Counting Cracks
by master of toast
Summary: RATING M. After an accident caused by Tamaki Kyouya starts having horrible flashbacks/waking-nightmares. What do they mean? What's his father hiding? How does his mother fit into all this? ABUSE SEX RAPE. READ WITH CAUTION Tamaki/Kyouya shonen-ai yaoi
1. Chapter 1

A/n: Crack created by a tired brain, will be continued. Will be rated M. Pairing is as of yet undetermined. But I'm dead sure about the rating. There will be rape, sexual abuse, verbal abuse, and agnst. possible ooc but i'll avoid it if possible.

I remember playing soccer with Tamaki in gym. Yes, that's what happened... I was standing off to the side in a defensive position as Tamaki prepared to take a penalty kick. I felt sorry for the goalie; Tamaki's starlight kick was unpredictable.

Tamaki swung his foot back and yelled loudly as he kicked the ball. It went flying- very, very fast- and slammed into my face causing me to be thrown backwards and into a goal-post. My head smacked the hard metal and I blacked out.

When I woke up the first thing I saw was Tamaki standing over me with tears in his eyes. He squealed my name loudly and hugged me.

"Mother! I'm so happy you're ok! I'm sorry! I didn't mean for the ball to hit you!" He cried.

"Calm down Daddy. I'm ok but please, pay attention to where you're aiming next time." I told him. He hugged me again and I closed my eyes, sitting up a bit more.

"Mommy still loves Daddy?" He questioned.

"Yes, yes, Mommy still loves you. Now get off me." I pushed him away only to meet eyes with my father. _Oh shit._

"Kyouya... why is Suoh-san calling you 'Mommy'?" He asked. I paled a bit and went to readjust my glasses only to find that I wasn't wearing them. Tamaki handed them to me with an awkward smile, he knew the tension he'd just created.

"Tamaki likes to refer to our club as a 'family' so to speak, thus by club position, he is the father of the host club. As the vice-president I am the 'mother' of the host club. The others are sometimes referred to as the children of the host club. But this terminology is seldom used in from of others." I explained. I was nervous that my father would hit me in front of Tamaki again. His eyebrow twitched and he nodded. I suddenly realized how strange it was that he was even _there_. He usually couldn't care less about me.

"Forgive me for asking, but why are you here?" I asked tentatively. Tamaki draped his arm over my shoulder and laughed.

"Well, of course he'd come, you got hurt Kyouya. They probably called him from away from what he was doing." He said cheerfully.

"I was in the Chairman's office. When I heard about what had happened the Chairman told me I should go see if you're ok. _We had been discussing business arrangements._" My father said coldly. I nodded and apologized for dragging him away. Clearly, he would have stayed with Tamaki's father had he not been insistent. Then my father said something peculiar.

"How hard were you hit? Did you pass out immediately? Did you have hallucinations?" He asked me. I raised an eyebrow in spite of myself. _Why is he asking this? What's with the sudden change of heart?_

"I was hit pretty hard. I passed out when my head slammed against the goal post. No I didn't have anything of the sort." I answered. _What the hell is going on? _He looked away and nodded to himself.

"Right then," he said firmly, almost as if he were assuring himself of something. I couldn't help but raise an eyebrow at his nonsensical behavior. My train of thought was ended abruptly as Tamaki began nuzzling my cheek. I pushed him away irritably grumbling that he shouldn't do things like that around my father. He apologized- loudly- but continued to nuzzle my cheek. He squeezed me close and in the process of doing so, knocked me onto my back with him straddling me. I closed my eyes as a terrifying image came to mind. I saw... a woman above me in the same position. So terrified was I that my hands seemed to move of their own free will and tried to jerk to cover my face.

They were bound at my wrists above my head.

I felt someone brush against me in my most personal area and tried to recoil only to find that my legs were bound to the bed apart from each other. Like lightning, my eyes darted about my head to catch a glimpse of my surroundings. I was in a room much like my bedroom but somehow more childish. The walls were painted baby blue rather than the cold grey the characterized my house today and my bed seemed to be much smaller. I glanced back at the woman in hopes of finding an answer for the burning question the filled my mind but found that she was to busy removing her clothes.

Clothes that looked so... familiar.

My eyes widened as I woke from my odd trance. _A waking nightmare?_ I had no explanation for what had just happened nor did I know what it meant. Instantly my mind flashed back to what my father had asked. _Did you have hallucinations?_

I briefly considered seeking him out to tell him what had happened but the rational part of my mind ordered me to ignore it like I ignored all emotional drama. When my mind left its ravine and returned to the waking world I realized Tamaki was staring at me.

"What?" I questioned irritably. He hesitantly met my eyes and chewed his lower lip.

"You just... went into zombie mode." he said awkwardly. _What the hell is he talking about?_

"What?"

"Well Kyouya, you're eyes went all wide and you're face just had this horrified expression and you looked ready to pass out," he explained, then with a vigor unparalleled by any I'd ever seen in him, he exclaimed, "and when I called out to you you didn't respond! I don't even think you heard me!"

He was right about that; I'd heard nothing but the muffled sound of my nightmare.

"I think I must have blacked out." I replied, "Perhaps I'll rest here in the infirmary for a while."

He agreed whole-heartedly and went off to tell the nurse. I leaned back in the bed and stared at the ceiling, counting the tiles rather then thinking about the matter at hand.

_63 ceiling tiles, 15 cracks in the support beams, 3 air vents, 1 nightmare..._


	2. Chapter 2

More than anything in the world I needed a place to think. I needed a space where no one would interrupt me. I was under strict orders from my father- who had seen my previous episode from the door on his way out- to remain within the house. This greatly limited the choices I had concerning where to go and I was left with only three places: my room, the botany room, and the attic. I chose the attic.

The attic at Ohtori manor was not what one typically pictures as an attic, rather it was a long room with grey tiled ceilings and floors that was used primarily for storing tables and chairs that had fallen out of use. All around me were the grey tables that my family often used for parties, all the same with sharp angular cuts and pointed corners of grey marble. A thick coat of dust rested atop these items and I knew no one had been up here for at least a decade. As I walked down the spacious room, laptop in hand, I came upon an old desk and chair that appeared to have come from a child's room. Their cold grey surface was marred by poetry and art by a child. I couldn't say whose desk it was although I had a sinking suspicion that it was mine. I sat down, placed my laptop on my knees and ran my hand across the scribbled writing. I soon noticed a pattern; as the writing grew neater the poems grew darker and the pictures more morbid.

_I flew a kite today_

_Higher and higher_

_Because that's where I want to be_

_High up in the sky_

_Where I can look down on the world_

_And wonder_

Ah youth, I was so innocent back then. I wished I could go back but I knew it was impossible. My hand traced the smooth contours of an image drawn on the desk. It was a picture of a teddy bear.

Without a head.

I pulled my hand away and turned to another poem.

_A glass rose sits on the table_

_A metaphor for innocence_

_Or are you just mocking me?_

The writing still had an element of immaturity but I could see something change. I now realized that this had been my desk at some point. However I had no idea what the writing meant or when I had owned such a desk. I tried to think back to my earliest memories but my mind could conjure no image that would prompt such writing. I thought back through all my birthdays, christmases, summers, winters, springs, through all the painful conversations with my brothers and the tense ones with my father. It didn't take long for me to realize how foggy my early memories were.

Before my eighth birthday I had almost nothing I could remember.

This scared me so much that I decided not to think about it altogether and instead turned my mind to finding out who the woman from my nightmare was. I pulled my computer off my knees and placed it atop the desk. I began to search the data-base of servants for women who had started before I turned eight. This cut the list in half but I knew I would need more.

I forced myself to think back on the horrifying image and to focus on the woman, not my fear.I'd come to the decision that I should find out if any of our servants or former workers had the same appearance of the woman from my nightmare.

In the initial moments of my nightmare I had observed more than I had realized. Looking back, I remembered her long, curly brown hair and chillingly deep blue eyes.

I hesitated unsure of whether or not I really wanted to know what had happened or who she was. My mind seemed at war with itself, each side arguing its own point relentlessly. I wanted to know what that strange nightmare was but I also wanted to forget it. I was terrified by the horrible things my inner consciousness had created, and I wanted nothing more than to take it all back.... or maybe not.

I began my search.

I started by filtering out people with brown hair. There were about 50 people who fit the description which I realized was far too high a number for me to discern which woman was the object of my search. I entered the eye color and waited in agony for my computer to load. Little did I know I was in for the biggest surprise of my life.

There were no names left on the list.

"What?!" I gasped staring dumbfounded at the screen. There had to be someone... unless.... I was going crazy. My face took on an ashen color as I continued to stare at the unchanging screen.

"Dammit," I growled leaning back in the chair and balancing atop two legs. I couldn't believe it. I'd imagined the whole thing, or at least, I hadn't remembered a thing about when it had actually happened. Absently I leaned the chair even further backwards until it toppled with me still in it. I fell backwards and landed sprawled on my back. I let out a short exclamation of fury before my eye caught a glimpse of something that diverged from the traditional colors of Ohtori manor:

A child's bed set.

My mind went blank. I couldn't understand why but for some reason that bed scared the hell out of me. I wanted to run far, far away and hide at the mere side of it. A sudden image of hiding under that bed sent me to my feet. I took three whole steps in the other direction before I realized what I was doing. I knew I needed to go see it.

I could feel how strongly it was connected to the nightmare. I wandered towards the bed as if in a trance and walked to its side. Running my hand across its cold edge I saw my name scrawled in messy script along its side. My face paled as I leaned against the wall and stared at the bed. It scared me for some reason and try as I might I couldn't bear to sit on it. My eyes closed as another memory took my mind.

I was trapped against the wall and the woman was leaning over me with an evil smirk gracing her features. I heard a child's voice protesting as she leaned down and captured my lips with hers. I tried to fight back but she was harsh and aggressive. I felt a cold hand slip down my pants and grab my member. She ran a hand along my shaft as her tongue probed my mouth. I protested as best I could, trying to force her away with puny hands.

"No more." I beseeched her in my childish voice. I held my breath as she unzipped my pants, dropped to her knees, and swallowed me.

A child's voice sobbed loudly a few garbled words and then-

"No Mommy!"

My eyes snapped open.


	3. Chapter 3

a/n: sorry for the delay. I was in canada. And my grandpa died. and then my final prep class started. and then spring break was over. Sucks for me lol.

chapter 3:

I was so scared that I didn't know where to turn. I dropped to my knees and buried my head in my hands. I told myself that it was just my imagination despite the fact that I hadn't seen my mom in person for years. I knew that my father would never allow her to stay a part of this family if she had done something like that... but he was still legally married to her and had no intention of divorcing her. I couldn't understand why he would stay with her if my nightmares were true... except to save our family from a scandal that would ruin our name forever. If word ever got out about me and my mother's... Oedipus-like relationship... we'd be in for a world of hate. People would look down on us as if we were commoners wallowing in the mud and grime.

After thinking about that I realized that it made sense that they never divorced but that raised another question. Where exactly was my mother? I almost didn't want to know for fear that I would have to face her. Tears welled up in my eyes as I attempted to come to terms with what had happened. I knew one thing for sure.

I needed to see a picture of my mother. I need to remember what she looked like or I'd never know if my nightmares were true.

I ran out of the room, leaving my computer behind, and dashed down a flight of stairs before searching every room, parlor, hall, and corridor for a picture of my mother. There were none to be found. I looked everywhere and not a single of picture of _anyone_ let alone my mother. In a blind panic driven by my complete and utter obsession with the nightmare a ran around the entire mansion twice before collapsing in an exhausted, sweaty, and mentally-drained heap outside my father's office.

"It has to be here," I panted in exasperation, removing my glasses and running a hand through my hair.

It seemed a change had come over me. Ever since the first nightmare I'd been thrown into a whirlwind of emotions- emotions I didn't know how to deal with. I didn't feel like myself. I was so wild and crazy and uncontrollable- so Tamaki- and I didn't like it. All my emotions seemed to spill down my face in tears that I simply couldn't control. They spilled down my cheeks in rivers and I sobbed brokenly.

"Is my life a lie!? Why don't I remember any of this!?" I sobbed into the floor as I lay with my knees curled under me, my face burrowed against the floor, and my fists lying limply on the floor before me.

"Kyouya,"

I looked up to meet eyes with my father who seemed strangely sad. So much so that I almost didn't believe my own eyes. He bade me to come inside into his office and offered a hand to help me to my feet.

I didn't take it.

Once inside I stood waiting for his command to sit for I was forbidden to be seated before such a command was issued. However, it never came. Instead, he pushed me by my shoulders into the chair and stood beside his desk. I was ashamed to be seen crying. This- this _thing_ that happened to me seemed to have taken every shred of my mental well being and torn it to pieces leaving me a sobbing wreck. I wanted to be strong but I just couldn't keep myself under control. The monstrous memories in my mind were destroying me with my own tears.

I looked around the room trying my best not to look nervous. His office was a very stiff, very formal looking room if the rigid seats, cold modern design, and grey and silver color scheme was any good indication. It felt like a hospital for the air was cold and had a sterile smell like disinfectant. Needless to say, it was not a comfortable room.

He stared me down from behind opaque glasses before addressing me in a very serious and insultingly rudimentary manner as if was far too out of sorts to comprehend his speech.

"What did you see?" said he.

"Mother... raped me." I said in a voice so coarse with stress that I barely recognized it as my own. He didn't answer and instead continued to stare me down for several seconds. I wasn't sure whether or not he expected me to continue but as I opened my mouth to speak he cut me off.

"How much do you remember?" he asked me, running a hand along his goatee.

"I don't know," I began nervously before finding my courage, "Tell me what happened. Why don't I remember anything?"

He took a few measured steps towards me as if I were a small, unstable animal trapped in a corner who could and would run at any moment. He placed a hand on my shoulder and sighed.

"Are you sure you want to know?"

"Yes."

I spoke with surprising conviction. I suppose that in my heart I knew I needed to know the truth.

He removed his hand from my shoulder and went to his desk and, after some riffling around in the lower drawers of the desk, produced an old photograph that was around eight years old. He came to me and placed it into my hand face down before leaning close to my ear.

"I never wanted it to come to this." he whispered before pulling away. I turned the picture over and came face to face with the woman from my nightmares.

Brown hair flowed down her shoulders gracefully and chilling blue eyes stared deep into my soul. I shivered. My eyes glazed over as I stared at the photograph in sheer horror. In my mothers hands was a small child who was but four years old. It could only be me. I stared at her and noted the overprotective way that she held me; with my face away from the camera and he arms covering me as much as possible. I was shocked at how sickeningly erotic the clothes I'd been wearing were. I dropped the picture into my lap with a disgusted expression.

"That's her. She raped me. I was only a child!" I exclaimed as tears continued to roll down my cheeks.

My father looked at me solemnly and asked me once again if I could handle the truth in my present state. I retorted that I was not a child- and apparently hadn't been one for a long time- and could handle it.

I can handle anything.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: Again, my apologies for the slow update. I have just been dumped with a bunch of new duties for the club I'm in and finals are rapidly approaching! In fact, I'm sitting in class right now pretending to pay attention as I type this. I'm sorry!

By the way, reviews make me happy ^^ so if you read please review or I won't want to continue DX

Chapter 4:

I could only assume that my memories were true considering his grim expression and the manner in which he'd accepted my statement. He seemed to have known I had discovered something dark within our family. Gradually, my tears slowed as I waited in rapt silence for him to continue. He stared me down for a long moment before walking to my side and placing his hand on my cheek in a rare show of affection.

"Your mother," said he, brushing my hair back behind my ear before leaning back against the desk, "was a very strange woman. I didn't like her when my father first introduced us nor did I like her when our marriage was arranged. She was always very possessive of me, clinging on like some strange variety of sea urchin, and when you were born her behavior grew extreme. You were her pride and joy and I remember her declaring on the very day of your birth 'this child shall be our last' and it was so. She always kept you locked away in your nursery and never allowed me to hire a nurse to bring you up."

He waited for me to absorb this information and after a few seconds of silence I said "Yes, Akito mentioned having a nurse."

He nodded once before continuing in a very cold, solemn tone, "She began dressing you in clothes that she claimed were top of the line and handmade by a famous designer. The clothes were always rather erotic-looking."

I held up a hand to stop him, "When did you find out what she was doing?"  
"Your eighth birthday."

I stared at him and quietly told him that I could barely remember anything from before that point. He nodded and assured me that that was no surprise considering what had happened.

"It was after your party that we found her in your room. She was drunk on champagne and high off drugs and you were trapped beneath her on your bed. She was, as you would imagine, not doing anything I should like to mention. I had come upstairs with your oldest brother in hopes of showing you the family vault for the first time."

I shuddered, remembering the horrible feeling of her lips on mine. My father noticed and his eyes closed.

"We locked her in the bathroom and she went of a terrible rampage. She threw such a fit that in due process she destroyed the bathroom mirror and cracked all the porcelain fixtures in the room. She screamed like a banshee the entire time. By the time we calmed you down- you were absolutely hysterical and incredibly confused at the time- it was nearly four in the morning. You slept in Akito's room that night. Do you remember this?"

I sighed deeply and looked at the floor with unfocused eyes "I remember... screaming... and..." my voice trailed off as I remembered the sound of my mother screaming at me like a animal from behind the door- beating her fists against it all the while. A flash of sight from that day shot into my mind like lightning.

I remembered running to my father and grabbing him by the waist. 'Father!' I kept screaming in my childish voice.

I shook my head to clear it of the memory. My father grabbed another chair and pulled it close to me. I was scared as I'd never seen him so distraught. He looked at me with cold, hard eyes and after a long pause- during which I could scarcely meet his eyes- he asked me if I'd pieced it all together.

I shook my head no and he made yet another attempt to comfort me. He once again raised his hand to my cheek- I barely resisted the instinctive urge to flinch away- and ran his thumb along my cheekbone. I dropped my eyes and a few stray tears slipped down from my eyes and landed on my father's hand. He looked at me sadly.

"Why didn't I remember her? And why am I remembering her now?"

The questions hung in the air like thick smog.

"What happened just before you began remembering things?" he asked me. I frowned realizing he meant the soccer accident and pulled away from his hand.

"I was knocked unconscious-"

"You received a concussion." he said with a note of finality in his voice. I thought about that.

"Perhaps…" said I thinking aloud, "if it was the concussion that brought the memories back… it was another concussion that took them away."

My father nodded and I felt the reality I thought I lived in shatter and fall to the floor in pieces. I was so confused. I couldn't understand my mother had done those things nor did I understand how she could have given me a concussion. I told my father this and he once again assured me that it was a very dark tale.

My heart dropped to the floor. I was scared, I really was. I was trembling- an act that was quite rare and was only brought on by my father's wrath or by heights- and I didn't know how to control myself. I asked my father what had happened.

"The next morning I came to the decision that your mother must be released from the bathroom. I ordered you to stay put in Akito's room. However, when I went downstairs for just a brief moment you ran out of Akito's room and hugged you mother. She decided to use this to her advantage. She'd only just received the news that I was going to send her away to Canada where she could live without harming our family name. She was furious at the idea and insisted that I was trying to steal you from her. She grabbed you by your arm and dragged you to the head of the stairs. I turned around when she screamed my name. She screamed that if she couldn't have you then no one could and threw you headfirst down three flights of stairs. You suffered from severe head trauma and we had to hospitalize you."

I was horrified but not all that surprised considering what I had just heard about my mother. I looked to the ground as my mind spun out of control. I could only imagine that I had wanted to suppress the memories at the time. I knew I must have tried to forget it all. My subconscious urge to forget my terrible past combined with the force of a serious concussion had erased all memories that involved my mother. I was scared. I couldn't believe what I had done without realizing. The sheer power of the human mind was so horrifying to me in that moment that I knew I would never underestimate the subconscious mind again. My father stood, walked to his desk, and drew out another photo.

"You," he said placing the photo into my hand and wrapping my fingers around it, "a week after being released from the hospital."

I stared at the photo for a long moment. I looked like I'd been dragged through the mud. A hand shaped bruise covered my neck and there were enormous dark circles beneath my eyes. I looked confused, or rather, distant and my eyes seemed to have lost their innocence. My shoulders were straight and my head high- ordinarily giving an impression of confidence- yet a strange sadness was there. Like gloomy clouds across the sky I could feel the darkness within the picture.

"I never told you what happened because you didn't appear to have any recollection of your mother. You woke up after being unconscious for a few hours and when we asked you if you remembered what happened you could only say that you fell. I asked you what happened between you and your mother and you replied in the most heartbreaking manner I've ever seen. You looked me straight in the eyes and said 'wasn't she supposed to be going on a trip...' like it was nothing. We decided it was better for you if we said nothing and acted as though your mother was a perfectly normal person."

I looked at him with sheer horror at the idea of brushing the abuse I'd suffered away so easily. But then… what would I have him do besides what he already did. Surely things would have been easier if I had never discovered my past. Oh how I wished to go back to those days of ignorant bliss! Or at least know the entire truth for myself so that I wouldn't be forced to find out in such short bits!

In a fiery burst of devastation I buried my head in my hands.

"To think," said I, "that I could forget something of such significance…"

My father stood before me with an ashen face and dark eyes. He regarded me coolly for a moment and placed a single, pale hand on my shoulder.

"We never wanted you to find out. When I, along with your older siblings, realized you had no relocation of your misfortune we felt hopeful that you could once again become a normal child. I raised you to what you've become: a proud, intelligent, resourceful, talented, man with great prospects. I know you will rise past the pain of what you've learned."

I bowed my head as one final tear slipped down my cheek. I had to move on. I had to. I had to.

In that moment I made a decision that would seriously impact my life: I would either forget everything about my mom or remember everything and confront her.

I stood, backed a few steps away, and bowed.

"I will rise to the occasion Father. This I swear."

One old nightmare, one new reality, one parent of malpractice, and several thousand tears.


	5. Chapter 5

A/n: sorry for the uber delays between the chapters... I have two research papers due at the same time and I've been working on them.... plus work keeps getting in the way DX I'm sorry!

chapter five:

I needed to get out of the house.

That much at least was clear to me. However my father's orders still stood in place and I knew that the guards would never let me leave the manor- at least not yet. I knew that should I want to leave it would have to be late at night. So, I defaulted back to my room- as the attic now made my blood run cold with a sticky fear that gripped my veins- to think about what had become of me and my reality.

I walked up to my room with my head down and my feet dragging. I'd always planned on saving myself for marriage- cliche, I know but I wanted to make my own decisions for once in my life- but now that I knew that my virginity had been taken long ago I realized it was impossible. More than anything I wished to take it all back. I wanted to forget it all. I wanted to be pure again. I wanted... I wanted.... I wanted... I wanted my sanity back.

Why did it have to happen like this!

I rested my head against the door when I reached it and sighed. Its cold metal cooled me down like an ice pack to a feverish head. I sat there with my arms dangling at my sides and my head pressed to the door for five minutes as I thought about what had happened. It was later than I had thought and even though I had suffered my first nightmare only hours ago it felt like decades had passed. I knew that I had changed since that morning. When I once wanted nothing more than money and a calm day I now wanted nothing more than to escape back to ignorance. I could've cried had I not inwardly decided to cease my tears.

My watch chirped loudly signifying that it was nearly nine o'clock at night. My body- which was already sleep-deprived due to a series of all nighters I'd been pulling recently- was begging for a chance to rest and recharge. Unfortunately I had too much on my mind to rest for even a second. In my waking hours I was having horrible flashbacks so just imagine my fear at the idea of slipping into unconsciousness where my mind could reign free.

I was ashamed for I was terrified. To think that I, Kyouya Ohtori, could be afraid of something so trivial as the night. I wanted to scream, to run, to fight, and most importantly to forget. However I couldn't do any of those things. I was completely at the hands of fate.

Reluctantly, I opened the door and stepped into my room. I stalked about irritably and threw my jacket to the floor where it landed amongst the papers I'd been working on the previous night. I stripped my clothes off- suddenly too exhausted to change into some suitable sleepwear- and fell onto my bed after removing my glasses. I laid there staring at the ceiling listlessly waiting for sleep to come.

I was exhausted but unable to relax. As my body cried out for sleep I could only worry what would happen if I let it come. I stayed like that for an hour before the terrors came upon me. I felt my mother's ghostly hands upon me in every crevice of my body. Her lips sucked at my collar bone and nibbled at my ear. She tore at my skin and licked at my chest; leaving me feeling dirty and exposed.

"Oh god..." I breathed as I felt her upon me yet again; stroking me, touching me, holding me in my most private area. I twitched away from something that wasn't there and squirmed at a touch I could only feel in my mind.

I simply couldn't stand to stay in bed any longer. I rolled off of my bed and grabbed a few mismatched articles of clothing before looking at my clock. It was eleven thirty at night.

I got dressed quickly and stomped out of the room. As I stalked down the hallway towards the front of the manor I drew my phone from my pocket where I'd placed it.

I finally knew how to solve my problem.

Dialing quickly I called Tamaki.

He answered me sleepily with a tired "Hello..."

"Tamaki," I began but he cut me off as he recognized my voice.

"Kyouya! Is something wrong? Are you ok? Is it your father?" he spluttered as his senses returned to him.

"Tamaki," I growled irritably, not in the mood for shenanigans. I was strangely happy that he was worried about me but a bit confused by the fact that he'd asked- or rather jumped to the conclusion- that my father had done something.

"Are you ok?" he repeated. I sighed as I walked down hall after hall and staircase after staircase throughout the manor.

"I'm fine-" f_or the most part _I added mentally, "but I need you to do something for me."

"Anything," came his prompt reply. I nodded to myself and noted that he sure perked up fast. I couldn't ask him over the phone. He would refuse. But in person.... perhaps I stood a chance.

"Tamaki," I purred, "I need you to meet me at the school as soon as you are able. Come to the back soccer fields and wait for me."

"But Kyouya, it's late and it looks ready to rain," he protested.

"Please. I really need your help."

"Ok."

How long it took me or how I arrived matter not in this story. What was important was the event that happened upon arrival.

The wind had kicked up a great deal and the sky had become dark with cold grey clouds. Cold grey... the color of my life. So sterile, so clean, so oppressive, so synthetic, so heartless, so Ohtori that I could barely stand it. The grey was everywhere; even in the mist that blew towards me in the wind. The grass around my feet waved like choppy ocean waters and swirled about restlessly as if it knew the storm was arriving. Everything seemed tense, as if a turning point in not only my life but in nature itself was about to take place. As I walked across the field towards my first real friend the wind was a my head, pushing me away and blowing my hastily thrown on jacket about me.

"Mon ami!" Tamaki called as way of greeting. I raised my arm to him in a half salute-half wave and stood a few feet away from him.

He looked at me for a few seconds and said sullenly, "Your clothes don't match."

I sighed and looked at what I had put on and too my horror discovered that I had put on half a business suit along with sweat pants and my school tie. However I tried my best to ignore his statement and appear normal. He came closer to me and hugged me, burying his head against my shoulder.

"Something must be wrong for you to call me out here so late. Tell me what you wanted. Please, don't make me worry another moment."

I pulled away slowly and readjusted my glasses- making them flash grimly- before beginning to explain myself, "I need you to do your starlight kick again."

yeah.... a bit unedited. I typed it on the bus. sorry. my most sincere apologies if anything is wrong. Please tell me if something is wrong and I'll fix it and re-update.

Kyouya: How about my life?

Me: Don't get your hopes up senpai. -tightens ropes-

Kyouya: I can have you killed you know.

Me: I can have you raped.... again.

Kyouya: -squirms- Please review!!

and thank you to the people who have reviewed! I love you all XD


	6. Chapter 6

A/n: Sorry for the UBER LONG DELAY. It's the last week of school for me so finals have been in my way. I also have three essays. No joke. Three. plus I had a fourth due on tuesday. I'm so busy DX anyway. I'm really sorry for the delay but once school is over I'll update more often. Just give me a week to take me regents for like... four classes. ^^; Now, on another note (actually related to the story) I've made a pivotal decision considering the plot of the story. It will contain Tamaki and Kyouya shonen-ai. No lemon planned unless something comes up.... but for now they will go no further than kissing.

Chapter six:

He looked at me curiously for a moment before asking why I wanted him to do so. I sighed deeply and turned away from him; taking a few steps away and staring off into the sky. I could feel his eyes boring holes into the back of my head. He was worried.

As he should be.

"Tamaki, something very serious has happened. Before you ask I must impress upon you this point. You will never find out what has happened unless I choose to tell you. Know that I _will not_ choose to tell you."

"But Kyouya," he protested, "why not?"

"Because I am not one to wear my emotions on my sleeve nor am I prone to blathering on about family secrets! I ask you to do this for me because the alternative I have planned is far more gruesome, leaving me with no choice! Moreover I ask you because I trust that you will accept that I simply cannot tell you!" I snapped at him. He seemed taken aback by my fiery reaction but still shook his head at me.

"What exactly will you have me do?" he asked. My eyes closed. This was to be the hardest part.

"I want you to knock me unconscious by kicking me in the head. You gave me a serious concussion this morning so I'm sure you could do it again."

"B-but why?!"

"To reverse the damages done."

To bring me back to sweet ignorance.

"That's not an answer Kyouya! I can't just hurt you without knowing why!" he exclaimed nervously, picking up on the tension that rolled off me in waves. My whirlwind of emotions pushed me further and I spun around to face him.

"Good god Tamaki! If I am forced to resolve this matter personally you will never know what becomes of it! Don't you want to know what becomes of me?! This is what must be done and I will have it done!"

We lapsed into silence for a long moment. I surveyed the land around me as the wind blew harshly around us. The grass was swaying crazily like some venomous snake poised for the strike. The branches whipped about madly as if they were about to tear from the tree itself. It was almost scary to stand in the midst of it all. I myself would have been uneasy had I not been so preoccupied by Tamaki and his impending decision.

"Is there really no other way?

"This is the safest of those ways."

I looked at him steadily as he stared into my eyes hopelessly. He didn't want to hurt me, that much was obvious but at least he understood that he could do no greater disservice to me than to refuse my request. After an eternity of staring me down he nodded in defeat.

"Ok," he consented solemnly.

I walked over to him and dropped to my knees. He wordlessly took hold of my shoulder and pushed me down onto the ground so that my head lay low as my knees curled beneath me. He let his hands linger upon me nervously and I could feel that we were both shaking. He hesitantly ran a hand through my hair- he knew how I was usually quite uncomfortable with being touched- and assured me that he would not leave my side while I was unconscious. I thanked him and urged him to strike me before I lost my nerve.

I heard the sound of a blade through the air as if my mind was playing tricks on me. I knew it to be the sound of Tamaki preparing to strike and as he released the full force of his blow upon me I lapsed into sweet unconsciousness.

Sweet bliss at last. I only wished It had worked out the way I wanted it to.

When I woke I was on my back, cradled in Tamaki's arms. He was dozing off and we were both wrapped in his jacket. I wasn't surprised.

This was just like him.

I was grateful to have someone who would be willing to help me with something so difficult and then stay at my side while I was incapacitated. Indeed, I was extremely grateful for in addition to his attempt to help me... he also gave me the best rest I could've gotten.

But it had come to naught.

I remembered everything. Not even the slightest detail- like how her skin smelled like cherry tart- had been erased from my troubled mind. I could still feel her hands all over me, touching me, stroking me, torturing me. It made me want to scream, to run, to fly, to be gone.

My head ached. It was throbbing at each gust of wind and I felt as though someone were tearing my brain apart from the inside. It was a wicked ache...

I would've complained had I not asked for it.

I started when Tamaki moved from his position and pulled me further into his lap as he sat up. I was surprised as he hadn't done that in months. Still, I welcomed the gesture as I was rather desperate for comfort. I rested my head against his shoulder.

"Did you accomplish what you wished to?" he asked me after a long pause. I breathed in his smell as I considered my answer. He smelled of cinnamon and sugar and apples and the home-cooking I never had and never would. He smelled like dreams and paint and tea and hope. He smelled like everything I loved or lacked. A strange juxtaposition of things I'd always wanted but never had and things I always loved. When he nudged me slightly I realized I had spaced out.

"No, my plan failed. You struck me for no reason."

I was shocked at the sound of tears in my voice. I was confused. My cheeks were dry and yet there was an overwhelming sound of sadness there.

"Oh," said Tamaki.

I tried to get up but he held me down.

"Let me up." I ordered irritably.

"You shouldn't get up so quickly, after all you were just unconscious- and for two hours no less." he said reproachfully.

"Two hours..." I repeated in awe.

"Yes. Plus your head got cut open on a small rock after I knocked you out." His explanation touched me. I couldn't believe my luck.

"I'm thankful," I said hesitantly, "that I have a friend as good as you. Not everyone would stay for so long."

Tamaki knew how uncomfortable I was saying things like that so he simply squeezed my shoulder the way I like and smiled at me.

"Anytime," he assured me.

I sat in his arms for some time, watching the skies prepare to make hell for us as my insides churned. I was content to be with Tamaki but the memory of my mother nagged at me insistently. I was dreadfully upset that my plan had failed. No, not failed... Failed was to soft a word for what had happened. It hadn't just failed, it had backfired.

I could see it all more clearly. I could smell her too. Even the sound was intensified.

Worse still, I could remember something else.

I was in a hallway with her. She had me shoved against a wall and was clawing at me and kissing me. My school uniform was falling to the floor as she tore it from my body in an animalistic manner. It was hell.

She was the devil in person.

I shuddered and began to feel sick to my stomach. I got the feeling I'd be seeing those hastily drowned cups of coffee and tasteless power-bars again.

"Tamaki-" I gasped, jerking away from him and feeling ready to vomit. Something in my voice made him let me up. I stumbled away and attempted to empty my churning stomach onto the grass. Tamaki gasped and rushed to my side. He began exclaiming my name nervously as he always does when frightened. He then took my glasses from my face and patted my shoulder as comfortingly as he could manage. I shuddered as I knelt on all fours trembling and feeling sick. I coughed and gagged as Tamaki tried to help.

"What's wrong?!" he asked in a panicked voice

"I think I'm going to be sick!" I gasped as I once again tried to empty my stomach. However, nothing was produced except for a few drops of viscid spit that clung to my tongue like glue. I could only assume that my last meal- breakfast- had long since been digested. Still, my body trembled and shook as I tried to calm my quaking stomach. _Deep breaths, _I urged myself desperately, _deep breaths..._

"Are you ok?" he asked as my shaking subsided. I shook my head.

Gradually my body relaxed as I regained control of myself. As I took my glasses from Tamaki he gave me a serious look.

"I'll be fine." I assured him. He sighed.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be,"

He waited for me to stand before he made a move.

"Kyouya," he said, catching me about the waist and taking my hand, "you're worrying me."

I went to tell him I'd be fine but he cut me off by placing a finger against my lips. I felt my cheeks heat up in spite of myself. I tried to pull away but he held fast.

"You look nervous... I'm a freaking you out?" he said in the tone he used on costumers.

"No..." I mumbled against his finger. He removed his hand from my face and trailed it down my neck, unwittingly reminding me of _her_. I trembled from both fear and pleasure... What he was doing was making me strangely euphoric. I wanted him to do it more.

"Please let me in; I only want to help." he whispered. He came closer to me, putting his lips inches from mine. My breath quickened. I was happy, excited and very confused. _I shouldn't be so happy. He shouldn't be making me blush. It shouldn't be this way._

I gently, hesitatingly, placed my hands on him. One on his neck and one on his shoulder.

"Do you want me?" I blurted out before rational thought could stop me.

"Yes,"

He kissed me.

My inhibitions lifted and I kissed him back. I kissed him like I would never see him again, like I needed him, like I loved him. I let all the pain and fear and anger and sadness of my life into the kiss. He was getting into it too. He tugged me close to him so that our waists pressed together. I'm sure my face was burning as he tore at my lip. I could feel his worry and his wanting. I knew he wanted me. I could feel it.

The freedom didn't last.

Tamaki's beautiful face melted into the face of my mother. His thin, passionate lips turned to her greedy ones. His lovely scent disappeared from my nose and was replaced by the intoxicating scent of cherry tart.

"No!" I gasped and leapt away from him. The image of my mother once again disappeared and was replaced by Tamaki's hurt expression.

"I thought you felt the same..." he mumbled, "I'm sorry."

"No!" I gasped taking his hand, feeling somewhat hysterical, "I do like you. I do want to be with you. I just- I saw her- I... it's not you."

He looked at me and I knew he believed me. I could also tell that he was once again very worried about me. He leaned in close and kissed my cheek. I blushed shyly.

"You're confusing me. And you're making me worried."

"I saw something I didn't want to. It doesn't matter."

I couldn't control myself. I couldn't relax. I couldn't let Tamaki know but at the same time I couldn't control the urge to tell him everything. I leaned in close to him and placed my lips against his in a short, but meaningful kiss.

"Tell me what's wrong..." he begged as we broke apart.

I told him everything.

A/n: yay. um yaoi.... yes. ok then. Random question: Is anyone here going to Anime Fest Orlando? Because I am and I'm cosplaying Haruhi. ^^ I'm looking for ouran cosplayers who are going lol.


	7. Chapter 7

The authors note shall be at the end this time. THE OOC HAS A POINT. I SWEAR.

Here goes:

When we arrived back at the mansion I found my father waiting for me in the parlor. He took one look at Tamaki, told him that I would soon catch up. Tamaki wandered off to my room where we would be sleeping after smiling meekly at my father. I stepped into the room tentatively and stood before my father with a rather grim expression. The happiness that Tamaki had brought to my troubled mind quickly faded to a feeling of intense nervousness.

"Close the window before the rain ruins the floor," my father ordered from the couch.

I walked over to the window and peered out. The rain had finally started up and was coming down in sheets such that I could barely see three feet in front of me. The thick droplets struck me hard across the face and when I turned around I was rather wet. My father looked un-amused.

"You left the house."

"Yes,"

"I demand to know why you chose to disobey a direct order."

"I couldn't stay here…"

I was standing before him, about an arms length away, with my glasses half opaque and my bangs in my eyes. I was wet all down my face and upper torso. Add in the complexion of an insomniac and I knew I must've looked like a mess. He sighed and grabbed my arm, tugging me down so that I sat beside him.

"I am acting as your doctor, your psychiatrist, and your father. I need you to tell me what's going on." he said softly. It was strange to see him being so gentle with me. Well, more gentle than usual. I felt a kind of need to tell him things, and so I did.

"I was ok with the memories while I was physically doing something but as soon as I lay down to sleep I could feel her and see her. When my mind was the only thing working she was there to drive me insane." I said quietly, looking down at the floor.

"Were you asleep when you saw her?"

"I was awake and have been for about fifty-six hours."

This time my father cringed.

"Why did you stay awake for so long?"

"I had work to do for you, for school, and for the host club… and then with this new development hanging over my head I've been completely terrified of my own mind." I explained tentatively. I didn't like revealing my weaknesses to anyone, let alone him, and so I was highly uncomfortable. There was silence for a moment as we both stared blankly out into the tempest.

"You do know your work shouldn't cause you to become physically ill correct?" he asked me, without turning to face me.

"That is a luxury I cannot afford if I wish to succeed. I won't grow seriously ill of course, but a slight cold and some sleep deprivation never killed anyone." I said levelly. His attempt at kindness was rather strange. I assumed he knew how hard I usually worked for him and him alone. I couldn't believe that his words were more than pleasantries.

"I couldn't sleep so I called Tamaki and we met at school." I said dryly. He looked at me for a moment before reaching up to my face. I cringed away but he grabbed the front of my shirt to hold me still.

"I won't hurt you." he growled as he brushed my bangs aside to reveal the cut in my forehead. It had stopped bleeding at the time but I knew the must have been blood caked along the edges of the small wound. His hands were cold -much colder than my mothers, I noted- and well worn with age.

"You tried to induce amnesia." he said coldly. I pulled away and nodded.

"What you did makes little medical sense. I'm sure you thought that if one concussion made you forget and another made you remember another still would take the memoires back. This idea is wrong and dangerous. Now that your memories are returning you will not be able to stop them." he explained in his usual patronizing manner. I scowled and looked away.

"Will I keep having these flashbacks?" I asked spitefully.

"I can only assume so. Or rather, you will until you remember everything not just bits and pieces."

His voice was soft, guarded, and meant to be comforting. I sighed and continued to scowl at my shoes until I felt his hand on my shoulder, pulling me to face him. When I turned, it was not him I saw.

I saw her again and jerked away violently.

He looked rather hurt but I knew he would understand my position. I told him how I could feel her hands on my body almost all the time and that her image would come before my weary eyes and obscure reality. I told him how his smell, the scent of brandy and cigar smoke, was being replaced by her cherry-tart scent even as we spoke, although her scent was far less overpowering than usual.

"I want you to tell me everything you've remembered and to spare no detail." He said when I finished. My shoulders slumped and my brow furrowed as he spoke. I couldn't tell him that. Not everything. It was vulgar, disgusting, sick, and twisted. I didn't want him to know all that she had done to me.

I feared he would think less of me for it.

"I'm worried about you."

Magic words, so out of character, so… so… sweet to my ears. It was what I'd always wanted him to say. I'd always craved his affection. Or even just his attention be it good or bad. Here he was, trying to talk to me and worrying about me and I couldn't drop my guard for even a second. I forced myself to take a chance.

I told him everything; starting with the fact that she had raped me on more than the one occasion that he saw and ending with how whenever someone made any kind of physical contact that reminded me of her, I would be forced to see her image rather than reality. Of course, I left out the fact that I had been making out with Tamaki. I knew he wouldn't take that as well as he took everything else. Once he knew the extremities of my situation he let his head droop and his hand found his way to my hair, which he ruffled insistently.

I was surprised that his presence seemed to be warding off her image. Although as we sat in silence and I thought about it, it only made more sense. She would never do anything uncouth to me in front of him and thus now that I was near him her memory could do no more than follow suit.

"Do you feel her now?" my father asked softly as he removed his slim-fingered hand from my hair.

"No, your presence wards her off both in real life and in my memories." I explained. Lightning flashed and cast an eerie glow about the room. Thunder shook the walls and I found myself moving closer to my father unconsciously.

He waited a moment before speaking again, "What you said suggests that you do not feel as though the memories are a reality."

I didn't answer but instead let my body slump over. My shoulders drooped and my eyes fell to the floor. I knew I must've looked defeated but I knew that for once my father wouldn't use it against me. Thunder boomed yet again and I shivered.

My father reached around my thin neck and pulled me so that my head rested on his shoulder. I was taken aback by this action but still... he smelled so pleasant and I was so tired. I hadn't slept at all in days and I hadn't slept _well_ in weeks. The thought of him warding off the memories of my mother was so tempting to me that I couldn't force myself to move. I simply laid there curled against his shoulder like a child.

"What happened to you all those years ago is real, even if it feels like a bad dream," thunder clapped as he mumbled his words of wisdom into my ear. I shuddered again and he managed to pull me even closer.

"I know," I mumbled. I was feeling insecure and nervous being so close to my father. I was happy to know he loved me but the idea was still new to my overworked brain. We sat in silence as I pulled my legs up onto the couch and folded them beside me. It was kind of comfortable being curled up like that. I began to nod off as my father held me comfortingly.

"How do you keep her from coming back here?" I asked softly, slipping off my glasses. I knew taking off my glasses was usually a bad idea- after all, I couldn't hide my eyes without them- but I supposed in that moment that I didn't need to. I knew that for once he really wasn't going to hurt me.

That one thought sent a tingle of sadness down my spine. Just when had I started thinking of him of him as someone who would hurt me? When has I stopped considering the idea that he might actually love me? When did I become my father's tool? When did I start thinking of our family as a business?

For once I didn't have the answers. But at least my father had an answer for my initial question.

"She doesn't want to ruin her life. Right now she has everything she could ever want- except you," he explained, I knew he felt me shudder yet again at his implication, "Currently, she resides in her own home where she is free to do as she wants, save return to japan. She has no job and no spending limits. In short, her life is perfect and carefree so long as she does not anger me."

I let all this sink in as we once again lapsed into silence. There was one question that had been plaguing me since our first serious discussion, but I didn't dare ask. I wanted to know what he'd walked in on and just what she'd been doing to me. I somehow knew she'd done something different that time- something even more sinister.

Still even Ohtoris have limits. I was truly exhausted beyond measure and my father's shoulder was surprisingly comfortable... My tired eyes blinked closed in protest to my complicated chain of thought and my grip on my glasses relaxed. I nodded off and curled against him like I hadn't done since my earliest days. And yet I managed not to flinch when he shifted my half-asleep form so that my head rested in his lap. I was barely conscious as he placed his hand against my head, letting it rest there as a rather stiff gesture of comfort. He took my glasses from my hand and slipped them into his pocket. I have no recollection of precisely how long I lay there. All I know is that when he finally decided to move me he elected to _carry_ me. I was seventeen and he was carrying me. In my mind that was either a testament to my pathetic underweight body or to his strength. At the time I was too fatigued to even be surprised. In retrospect, however, I can only say that he must really have pitied me or else he wouldn't have bothered. To add to my later mortification, I have a distinct memory of curling against his chest as he carried me bridal style. None of this, however, mattered in those long foggy moments. I was just so... sleepy...

He carried me up into my room and even up the stairs into my bed loft. I was vaguely aware that Tamaki was sprawled out atop the covers of my bed as my father placed me down. I heard the click of my glasses against my nightstand as I lay there tiredly. I tugged a blanket over my shoulders and curled up in the bed. My eyes fluttered open as I prepared to speak.

"Dad?" The word felt strange to me. I'd never called my father dad before. I heard a rather sharp intake of breath as my father registered this fact.

"Yes?"

"Thank you."

Two words, a world of meaning. He knew that I was thanking him for everything; telling him that I did trust him, telling him that our family was capable of love.

"You're welcome."

I was terrified to say the words that came to mind. I wanted to say it. I wanted the words to be real. I wanted him to hear. I was scared, but I had to do it, before I talked myself out of it.

"I love you," I practically whispered.

"I love you too," his voice was strained as if the words were foreign to him.

He meant it. I finally knew that he meant it. If I'd had the energy to I would have been dumbfounded. Instead, I tugged my pillow close to me and passed out.

Fifty-six waking hours, twelve questions, a few odd shudders, and the ice was finally cracking.

A/n: ok, firstly, the delay between these two chapters was because I had finals and then the flu. secondly, my english class has always insisted that water equals rebirth therefore there has been a buildup of symbolism over the last two chapters. did anyone notice or do i just fail at life? thirdly, I'm terrified of posting this chapter... I literally had a spazztic breakdown over this chapter. I'm so worried it's badly done or that the characters are too out of character... ohh~~~~~~! I'm so nervous! P-please don't ream me DX


	8. Chapter 8

Most adults are familiar with the feeling of waking up after a crazy night of drinking with a raging hangover. The feeling of wondering exactly what had happened and then being so mortified upon the discovery as to want to shrink into earth and die of shame. I had that feeling the next morning-

For I had been drunk on false affection and love that was not real.

I had only my 'hangover' left. Indeed, only my mother remained from the night before. She, like a hangover, would not go away after the shenanigans were over. I could still feel her.

Yes, I was ashamed of myself. I really was. To think that I could be so foolish as to let stupid lies and fake gestures of 'love'. A crazy night, even I can admit that. My exhaustion drove me to limits I thought impossible. To be so complacent- to be so meek- at my father's will. I knew he had another motive. Was he trying to get me to tell him things? Was this about my mother? Was it about business? I knew it was impossible for someone like him- someone born without a heart- to be so gentle. It was wrong. It wasn't the way of our family.

I at least had an excuse for my strange behavior. I was exhausted, and rightfully so given all that had happened, and my mind had simply rejected all rational thought. I would never _crave _his affection. _Never. _Love, affection, kindness, these things mattered not to me. No, I would never let myself be fooled by my parents affection again. At least, I would never _willingly_ crave his love.

I'm sure my mother loved me too- just like him.

Her motive was sex and lust. His, I knew, was information. He knew that I would eventually come to terms with my memories and things would lapse back into normalcy and would therefore require my mask once again. But, if I _trusted _him I would be far easier to see through.

He didn't love me. They were words and nothing more.

"You don't love me." I spat as I stared listlessly at the ceiling.

"Yes I do!" a voice protested.

Tamaki. I hadn't known he was awake.

I'd almost forgotten him and now he thought I was talking about him. Well, I will admit, love does matter to me. _Tamaki's love._ I would do anything for Tamaki and his sweet lips and soft hair that smelled of lemon-grass. Yes, I would always love Tamaki and I suppose I'd always had. I'd just repressed it and dubbed it friendship.

"Not you,"

"Oh... her."

"Both of them. Liars both."

I told Tamaki what had transpired and he agreed with me. He told me my father was not to be trusted, in fact, of my family only Fyumi was trustworthy. I agreed of course and dubbed the night before a ruse and a sham. Well, my night after I returned home.

"You love me." I mumbled to Tamaki as we lay on the bed staring at the ceiling.

"W-well yes," he said softly.

"Ok,"

I didn't say it back. Love, even my love for him, was not something I cared to show and given what a fool I'd made of myself the night before I wasn't about to repeat the action. Tamaki seemed to have an innate understanding of this and simply allowed me to take his hand in mine and squeeze it. He stood and smiled down at me.

"You're in a surprisingly good mood this morning come to think... don't you usually hate mornings?" he said cheerfully. I rolled onto my side and grabbed my glasses from the nightstand. Glancing at the clock I saw that it was nearly three in the afternoon.

"It's not afternoon."

_I knew he meant it._ My thoughts from the previous evening hit me like a bolt of lightning. I was disgusted at myself now that I had the energy to think things through. Hadn't I learned my lesson the first time? My father could never love me. He just couldn't. If he had loved me he would have paid enough attention to know what my mother had been doing.

How could he see her with me in _any _circumstance and not see what was happening? _That's just it then, he must've seen it. He was ignoring it, but she took it too far._

And to think I left my self so vulnerable as to _fall asleep_ in his presence. How did I know he wasn't just as sick as her?

"I'm an idiot," I said as I got up and walked to the bathroom. Tamaki grabbed my shoulder as I brushed past.

"What's wrong- aside from the obvious?" he asked worriedly.

"Tamaki, never let me stay awake for more than twenty-four hours ok? I loose my sensibility when I'm near passing out." I ordered tersely.

"Don't beat yourself up Kyouya, you're allowed to make mistakes." he responded seriously.

"No Tamaki, this is more serious than you think. I've reached a new conclusion: my father knew full-well what my mother was doing to me at the time but he didn't want to ruin our perfect family facade. It would have been a disaster to stop my mother and just as he brushed her off when I lost my memory, he brushed her off at the time to preserve our reputation. He can't be trusted." I growled. Tamaki drew his hand from my shoulder in surprise.

"Why the sudden about face?"

"Because I needed to see how blind I could be and how many faces he had to know that he was lying to me."

Our eyes locked and he nodded solemnly. He took my chin in his hand and pulled me close, whispering that he would look out for me even if no one else would. His lips met mine swiftly and roughly, filled with his pain at seeing me in a bad situation. He licked at my lips stubbornly until they parted and our tongues dueled fiercely. It was strange having his tongue as the victor of our little fight but I knew that in the end I would submit to Tamaki no matter what the case. We broke apart and I knew I needed a shower and some time to think.

I sighed and told him that the guest-room down the hall had a shower he could use and that my dresser was open for him to borrow clothes. I slipped into the bathroom easily and shed my clothes hastily. At least I had my dignity in tact in some ways. My father hadn't bother undoing my tie or some such thing.

Still reeling from the idea of my foolishness I began the worst week of my life.

A/n: I lack subtlety like a desert lacks water. so um, he may seem bi-polar now but this all has a point i assure you. i do. i do. i do.... and PREPARE because this story is about to take the most epic plot turn you will ever see!


	9. Chapter 9

Breakfast, or I suppose it was dinner for most people, was a disaster.

I'd come into the dining room with Tamaki to eat and found my father halfway through a bowl of soup and cup of rare tea. He glanced up at me and smiled icily. If I had been as tired as I'd been the night before I would have cringed. Instead, I gave him an expressionless look that he seemed surprised by and sat beside Tamaki. Tamaki nudged my foot with his lightly. Our breakfast/dinner was filled with glares and an air of distrust that transcended over the table like fog. We ate in near silence until my father finally raised his voice.

"You seem quite changed, I am worried that something has happened." he said in his low, cold voice.

"Quite the contrary, nothing has changed."

The silence returned again and this time I could see his facade had left him. He knew my meaning, and he knew I was sensible again.

"And Tamaki?"

"I know everything, sir. Kyouya is my best friend so I was worried and bothered him until he told me what was wrong." Tamaki said quickly.

"Are you sure he didn't just tell you then ask you to help him induce amnesia?" my father said with a rather dark smirk. Tamaki's face burned red.

"I'm sorry," he said.

"Don't be, Tamaki. I asked you to because I thought it would work," I said quickly, shooting an almost reproachful look at my father.

"You were dead wrong," he growled.

"Yes, I was." I said levelly, staring at him emotionlessly.

Tamaki and I left the room a few minutes later, having eaten barely enough due to a sudden loss of appetite caused by the overwhelming sense of distrust between my father and I, and retreated into the hallway where the week's first catastrophe occurred. My father had just finished as well and had elected to follow us so when I gasped, clutched at the wall and nearly fainted from the force of my memory he was quite alarmed.

"Tamaki!" I gasped, throwing out my hand so that he could hold it. He took my hand and I heard him worriedly calling my name.

But I didn't see them anymore.

I was curled up with a book at my mother's feet in our sitting-room when my father came in dressed in his best suit.

"Come on, it's time to leave," he said coldly. My mother reached down and grabbed me, lifting me onto her lap and holding me there.

"Kyouya can't go my dear, he's feeling ill. His stomach hurts," she cooed then looked at me warmly, "right Kyouya?"

I was feeling perfectly fine but for some reason I simply said, "Yes mother."

My father looked at her, at me, and then back at her. There was a kind of silent communication between them that I didn't quite understand and then he said, "You're sure he is unable to come?"

"Oh yes," my mother assured him, "it's a mother's intuition. I'm sure he'll feel better if he stays and rests. Now, you take the others and go. I'll stay here with him."

My father didn't seem to care either way, "Very well, I'll give your regards to Mrs. Shiratori."

He walked away.

"Father!" I called loudly, "I want to go!"

My mother placed a hand over my mouth and assured my father that I was ill. He nodded once and was heard of no more. My mother listened for the sound of the front door closing before she turned to me and smiled sickeningly sweet.

"Now, love, come with me." she said and stood, still holding me. She started carrying me towards the bedroom.

Reality hit me like a brick to the face.

I was kneeling on the floor, my hand clutching at Tamaki's shirt and my glasses on the ground beside me, with no recollection of how this had happened. I could only process one thought.

_Get away from father._

He knew the whole time. He knew what she'd been doing to me. And she- she wasn't even hiding it! She'd simply said I was sick and taken me to my room. I didn't want to think about exactly what she'd done to me whilst there and I didn't want to think about how easy it had been for her.

I dragged myself to my feet and put my glasses on again. Tamaki hugged me and asked if I was ok.

"Yeah," I said slowly, "just feeling a little sick."

I barely resisted the urge to glare at my father, who seemed surprised at the severity of the flashback.

"Kyouya- what did you see?" he asked urgently.

"Nothing far from her usual," I lied. He looked worried, but it appeared as though my answer had helped some. He knew that now as an adult I would recognize that he knew everything my mother did to me. I took Tamaki back to my room and told him all that I had seen.

"I knew I was right! He knew the whole time! And I- I let him get so close to me last night! I can't believe I was so naive!" I exclaimed as I dropped onto my couch with a detached expression.

"I thought you loved him? How can you be so hostile after last night?"

"I told you, I realized it was just a facade. He doesn't love me, he never has."

"But you're related," Tamaki said as if that explained everything, "you have to love each other."

"Do you love your grandmother?"

He went very quiet for a moment and I realized how harsh my words had been.

"I didn't mean it like that, Tamaki." I said softly.

"I love her. She's my grandmother."

He leaned over and hugged me softly saying, "You know, it's ok to love your father. I know you don't trust him, and it doesn't appear as though you should, but you can still love him. Even if it hurts."

"I've always wanted to please him, so when he put on this stupid 'fatherly love' mask I was completely taken in. He seemed like he really cared but I know if he truly did he would have stopped my mother from hurting me." I said softly, letting my baited breath escape in quick, quiet bursts. Tamaki played with my hair as I spoke, seeming not to care how ridiculous we must have looked.

"Then he's not to be trusted, but you can still love him." he said slowly.

"Without trust there is no love." I countered, unwilling to admit to myself that I did love my father even if it went against common sense. Tamaki seemed to see my point though, for he smiled a bit and nodded.

My father didn't bother us all weekend, for indeed Tamaki practically moved in in order to keep me sane, and I had a number of horrific flashbacks that left me crumpled on the ground with no recollection of how I'd gotten there. My mind was overrun with her image, such that I could barely piece together a sentence at times. I practiced hiding it as best I could but I knew it was no use.

No matter what I did I could feel her touch through my clothes as if I were fully naked. I could always hear her voice cooing to me sweetly saying disgusting things that I will never repeat. I could often feel her tongue sliding along my chest- or worse places- and her teeth gnashing against my body. Her lips would ghost across mine as I spoke, or raised a mug of tea to my mouth.

When I turned off to sleep, memories crept.

That was when I remembered things the most. I would close my eyes expecting sleep to take me only to find that I was trapped beneath her as a child. I could never break free from what I saw once it was in my head. I could only wait in horror as I relived things I never wanted to remember.

Tamaki became my only tether to reality and one of my few reasons to live. He'd hold my hand as I trembled from the force of remembering how I had been defiled. He'd kiss my lips lightly as a reassurance that it would be ok. He would pull me into soft hugs as I tried to forget the horrors I'd seen. He did whatever he could for me.

Still it was never enough to keep me safe from her. She was always there in my mind and always were the results of this unfortunate fact disastrous. I knew that attending school in my condition would only cause problems and so when sunday turned to monday I'd been forced to stay home. I ended up staying home until thursday. I spent the days combating the urge to go yell at my father or to burn my skin off.

The more flashbacks I had the more it seemed my father knew. He didn't even try to stop her. I don't even think he cared, so long as no one ever knew. At the same time, I was beginning to feel absolutely disgusted with myself. All that she'd done to me- all that she'd taken from me- was making my skin crawl. It was as if her invisible touch made me dirty. As if I'd been dragged through the mud and left to suffer. I felt so unclean that I took to washing my hands obsessively and showering constantly. The scent of soap became a permanent part of my room and even intensified after Tamaki was forced to return to his mansion on tuesday.

It all felt so wrong.

The week dragged on tediously and torturously and I was miserable the entire time. There are no words in any language to describe the tedium that I faced. I lived my life from dream to dream, praying the memories would soon be over with. I was miserable and the memories didn't stop. By the end of the week I was ready to do _anything_ to make the memories stop.

I began to remember the promise I'd made to myself.

_I would either forget everything about my mother or remember everything and confront her. _

It was a bad idea. I knew that more than anything else. I couldn't possibly get there- for I had no idea where she lived- and when I did I'm sure nothing good could come of it. She would kill me or defile me again. I simply couldn't go see her. But I had to make the memories stop before I sunk into madness.

The only way I could think of that would cure me of my past was to remember everything.

"_Will I keep having these flashbacks?" I asked spitefully._

"_I can only assume so. Or rather, you will until you remember everything not just bits and pieces." _

My attempt to forget it all had given me nothing but trouble- and Tamaki- and so I knew that remembering everything was my only option. But how long would that take? Weeks? Months? Or, I shuddered at the thought, _years?_ I would go insane. Already, my normally sensible mind was being torn apart under her influence with no chance of relief. What was I to do but induce the memories myself?

Then of course the question remained how was I to do such a thing. Unfortunately, this question was answered by my mother in the form of a letter delivered by a rock that flew through the window of my car on my first trip out of the house in _days._

_My Kyouya,_

_If you are not afraid, come to my home outside of Quebec city in Canada. I have valuable information regarding your father and a sure way to alleviate you of your memories. Your father tells me you remember some things now and that you learn more each day. I'm sure you understand that I am not free to move about but surly you know you can come to me. I ask that you do this. I'll have some of my body guards get you. Leave your home the night you receive this._

_- Your mother_

My opportunity had come, but was I ready to take it?

A/n: the plot, and kyouya's mental unrest thickens. I hope this is ok... I'm trying my very best but I must admit i'm feeling very insecure about this fic. I'm worried that I'm failing miserably at explaining what's going through the characters heads... if you have a comment regarding that please do tell me. I'll do my best to improve based on your suggestions. Also, I'm doing my best with updates but as you can see my schedule is quite hectic. I'll be leaving on thursday for florida to celebrate the fourth of july with my family which either means more or less updates depending how miserable I am.

Also, to anyone who has read Great Expectations by Charles Dickens you may see threads of similarity between Kyouya (Pip) and what he is about to do (Orlick, anyone?)

...that's my honors english nerd acting up.

One last thing because i'm a total spazz: go read thesupersomething's fic The Shadow Queen. It's awesome and she's very talented. It's Kyouya and Haruhi though.

Ok I'm going to stop whining and being a b#tch now.


	10. Chapter 10

A/n: Sorry for the delay, I was away with my family. However, the length of the chapter should make up for it.

Just to say one or two more things. 1, zipties are a b-tch to escape, 2, the flight from Japan _is _really 10 hours, 3, Kyouya is a talented student so I'm sure he has the ability to be tri-lingual, (my friend is lol, Russian French and English.), 4, think I can get fifty reviews by the end of the story?, 5, it _is _in fact legal for Kyouya's mom to have him kidnapped. "It is perfectly legal for parents to hire professional kidnappers, who prefer to be called 'transporters', to abduct their children..." (Todd Strasser, _Boot Camp_, afterword)

I know, it's strange but true.

Chapter 10:

My first instinct upon seeing my mother's letter was to run to my room as fast as I could and lock the door. My mind was reeling. Even an idiot like Tamaki would know to _stay_ _the hell_ _away_ from my mother. Under no circumstances could she ever do anything to help me. She just wanted my body. I shuddered to think of what she would do if she actually managed to convince me to come to her. Common sense never failed me, and in that moment it was sending me one message:

_Mother always lies._

Like a mantra it ran through my head. Over and over as I paced my room worrying who had sent the note, who was working for her, and how my father fit into all this..._ Father..._

I thought I'd had it all figured out. I thought my father was working _with_ my mother but he would never allow her to do something of this magnitude. I was sure he had no qualms about letting her know I was beginning to remember things but this was different. This was a deliberate plot to hurt me. He would never risk causing a scandal to satisfy her. That meant that she was planning things on her own and that my father was losing control.

My father hadn't been lying when he said it would be in her best interest to obey him, so if she was willing to do something so risky it meant she was done caring about rules or consequences. That made her twice as dangerous. She would take crazy risks and do things that could ruin our family for eternity. Or she could kill me.

For the first time in days, I'd have to trust my father.

He was at the main office headquarters, in his central office, working late. I had to call and tell him what'd happened. I pulled my phone from my pocket, dialed quickly and waited.

All I got was a busy tone.

I tried again and got the same result.

I tried once more and still the phone was busy.

I called my eldest brother- for I knew he had a house about two hours away- and found that he had since changed his cellphone number and that I would not be able to speak to him. Fyumi, I knew, was on a second honeymoon somewhere- South America, I think- and wouldn't be able to help me even if I managed to get in contact with her. Akito picked up the phone, asked who was speaking, then hung up upon hearing it was me. Apparently the roaring party I heard in the background was more important.

Fuck them; the stupid bastards couldn't be bothered with me anyway.

Cursing my luck I began throwing clothes into a backpack. I knew I'd have to speak to my father in person which meant a trip into the city. It was nearly ten at night and the drive there was almost forty-five minutes each way. It would be a late journey but necessary. I also knew that for my mother to get the message to me in the first place she'd have to have someone close-by- someone who had undoubtedly been watching me. That meant I needed to get out of the house and go somewhere safe.

Somewhere like Tamaki's house.

I took my phone out once again and started to dial as I shrugged my backpack on. Tamaki answered sleepily.

"...Mommy?"

"Tamaki, something's happened. It doesn't matter much to you what exactly; I just need to stay over your house tonight. I'm going to go see my father in his office and I should be at your house within the next two and a half hours," I said quickly. Tamaki yawned a bit and I heard him get up from his bed.

"Yes that's fine but, Kyouya, love, what's wrong? I'm worried now..."

"Don't worry yet. Worry if you get no word from me. I know someone has been watching me. It's all my mother's doing," these words rushed from my mouth in a frenzied tone. It was as if my mind was spilling forth anything that Tamaki could possibly need in case I was hurt. I couldn't explain how, but I knew something very grave was about to happen.

"Kyouya wait- don't hang up yet!" he said hurriedly.

"Mmm?"

"I love you."

My breath caught in my throat and I blinked slowly. He'd said so before but never like this. Before, it had always been whilst joking about being the 'Mommy' and 'Daddy' of the host club. He was dead serious. I suppose I'd known he loved me, but for him to say it so openly at a moment when I was caught in an incredibly bad situation- it seemed like the most important thing in the world.

"I love you too."

I actually meant it and this time I wouldn't regret saying it. He wouldn't lie like my father did, or hurt me like my mother did. He really loved me and I really trusted him.

"Two and a half hours," he reminded me and hung up.

I shoved the phone into my backpack and grabbed my mother's note. I'd have to find Tachibana before I left. There was no way I was leaving without a bodyguard. I crushed the paper in my hand as I unlocked my door and dashed out. My feet smashed the ground as I ran towards the servant's quarters.

"Tachibana!" I yelled, "I need you!"

But he was nowhere to be found. I double and triple checked all the rooms in the area and found nothing. Usually he lived at our home, having nowhere to go himself, and so he always remained even after all the other servants had gone home for the night. It was strange for him to be gone and I knew something serious was happening. I started off towards the main entrance hall, calling his name as I went. _Certainly he should have heard me by now?_

By the time I reached the front door I knew that I had to run. I was but five feet from the door when someone grabbed me from behind.

_I'll have some of my bodyguards get you._

She hadn't been kidding. I'd assumed she meant from the airport but it turned out she was literally taking me from my home- by force.

"Who are you working for?!" I gasped as my captor slammed me into the wall with my hands held above my head, my mother's note fell from my hands unnoticed and I scowled. It was a man, dark haired and tan, with strong, large hands. He was broad shouldered and powerful so when I tried to fight him off I only ended up pressed further against the wall with his leg placed threateningly between my legs.

"Your mother is expecting you," he growled. With his free hand he reached into his coat and pulled out a gun. He cocked it as he said, "It'd be in your best interest to comply with any orders I give you."

He wasn't working under my father, but instead he worked for _her_, making him twice as dangerous. That, and he had a gun, which he felt necessary to shove against my collar bone.

"Let me go and I'll pay you off. I've got ten thousand cash stashed around the house." I said disparately, feeling the cold of his gun as my breathing sped to match my racing mind. _How many are there? Where's Tachibana? _

Questions burned my mind like fire. I stared up into my captor's eyes, for indeed he was at least six inches taller than me, and I barely repressed the urge to tremble. I'd been held at gunpoint countless before, kidnapped twice, and nearly shot once after deals with Ohtori corps had gone sour for various short-tempered, simple-minded men and so I knew what to expect. Although, Tachibana was usually lurking in the shadows ready to help me at just the right moment and usually the person holding me wasn't employed by my mother.

"If you think you can pay me off you're in for a rude awakening." I noted that he had a heavy French accent and a dark grimace, "You will be taken to the airport, I will fly with you to Montreal, and then you will be placed in a car and taken to your mother's home in Quebec. I am to use what ever force necessary."

If my calculations were correct, and they almost always are, this man could speak only a limited amount of Japanese. I switched to speaking French in order to throw him off. He seemed surprised when I asked him, in French, how long the flight was.

"Dix heures, ten hours," he answered slowly, carefully knowing that he no longer had the advantage of knowing a language I didn't. I'd been taking lessons in French since elementary school and had learned even faster when Tamaki had come to Japan. When he first arrived he wasn't very fluent, and I had defaulted to having about half our conversations in French. My English was just as good.

I had to do something. I couldn't get on that plane or I would never get away. I looked around for Tachibana or _anyone_ who could help and saw that we were alone.

"Do not look for your friend. I have bound and gagged him where he will not make trouble for us." the man said, seeming to read my mind. I felt my blood run cold as I realized that I would have to save myself. The man removed his gun from my aching neck and slipped it into his jacket once again. He reached into another pocket and pulled out a ziptie.

"Hands behind your back, kid," he growled, releasing me. I complied, too scared of being shot to argue, and he locked my wrists together. He chuckled sadistically and tightened the tie so tight that it dug into my wrists painfully.

"Bitch," I spat angrily at him as he shoved me forward. He slapped me upside the head roughly and grabbed my backpack off the floor.

"Let's go," he said.

It turned out that 'bodyguards' turned out to be 'bodyguard' for only one man, my captor, was there to kidnap me. This scared me as much as it relieved me. If only one man was involved... could it be damage control? Did it mean something more serious was due to happen? I was so worried that I didn't bother resisting as I was shoved unceremoniously into the backseat of a van. I landed awkwardly upon my shoulder and was unable to move as I lay curled up on the seat. My wrists were aching from the ziptie and I was terrified. My captor entered the car and cast a glare at me through the rear-view mirror.

"The door has a child lock on it which means that only I can release you." he explained coldly. I glared back at him, "Screaming will get you nowhere as I'm not doing anything illegal."

"Forgive me, but kidnapping _is_ illegal." I said irritably. It couldn't be legal for him to do this- even if my mother had ordered it.

"It is legal. She is not breaking any kind of law by having you taken to her."

"But taken at gunpoint?"

"I did not harm you with the gun."

I fell silent. What could I do? I was trapped in the back of a van with my hands bound and no chance of escape. Not to mention the fact that my captor had a gun. I didn't want to think of what would happen if she actually managed to get me to her house. She would rape me again, I was sure, and there was a good chance that she would kill me. Clearly, if she was willing to take things this far she was done caring about my father's rules.

My only hope- and it was a slim hope- rested in Tamaki. I was due at his house in about two hours and fifteen minutes and he would know something serious had happened if I did not show up there. But flights to Canada from Japan are rather rare. It would take him until morning, at best, and then a very long flight.

I would be trapped with my mother for hours.

I am not a religious person. I wasn't even sure I believed in god- or _any _god for that matter- but I prayed someone could save me. I prayed with all my heart and soul. I begged whoever was up there to send some savior for me. Anyone, I didn't care who. It could have been my father and I would have been happy. I just couldn't let my mother touch me again.

Lying on the seat I was confronted by several terrible, but unrelated, memories of what she had once done to me. I was terrified, and though I kept my face expressionless, the force of my fear was making the memories more severe. I stared listlessly out the window, trying to remember how long the drive from Montreal to Canada was. I estimated it to be about three and a half hours in traffic. The last time I'd looked at a clock- about ten minutes previous- it had read ten at night. The airport was fifteen minutes away, and the flight would be about ten hours- unless of course it was longer than the flight I'd recently taken to New York City. That information, plus the fact that I knew it was pointless to take me if I was only going to be held for hours, led me to believe that I would be boarding the plane within an hour. That would put my arrival in Montreal at about nine am. Add four hours of travel time to get to Quebec and I would be in her clutches at one in the afternoon. I had time, but no chance of escape.

When we arrived at the airport my captor released me from my bindings. My wrists ached terribly from where the ziptie had previously held my hands behind me. He ordered me to hold still as he got my backpack from the trunk. He opened the door of the car yet again and stared me hard in the eyes.

"This is how it will work," he said in French, "you will act as if nothing is out of the ordinary. I am merely your bodyguard, oui?"

I nodded grimly, my face emotionless. If what he said was true, and I had a sinking suspicion it was, then airport security could do nothing to help me. Although, I knew it would be impossible for him to take his gun onboard the plane. That is I thought I knew until he said-

"You mother has a lot of influence, kid, she has arranged things so that we do not need to go through airport security." his voice was gruff and uncaring. It seemed as though he would do anything my mother asked without questioning it. He took my arm wordlessly and started dragging me towards the entrance. An escort met us at the door and led us down a few small hallways and through an office before leaving us at a gate. He did this all without speaking and without making eye-contact with me. My captor leaned down to me and hissed into my ear.

"Do not try to escape, little one. I hold all the cards here." he spoke in Japanese, growling the words sinisterly as if they were some kind of curse. Scared out of my wits with nothing more than a blank expression to defend me, I nodded. I had to find a way to escape him or I would have no chance of getting out of things scot-free.

The man's name was Antoine Croft. I learned this from secretly taking a look at our boarding passes, which he clutched in his hands as if I would try to steal them. I peered up at him.

"Monsieur," I said after a long moment, "I do not have my passport."

"I have yours as well as mine."

I supposed my mother had gotten her hands on mine somehow. It infuriated me that she had the power to do so. I didn't like it- not one bit.

"Excuse me," said a meek looking man, tugging at my sleeve. "is this the gate for the flight to Montreal?"

I opened my mouth to respond but my captor, Antoine, clapped a hand down upon my shoulder roughly to stop me.

"Yes it is sir," said Antoine darkly.

The man looked at me curiously and I met his gaze steadily. His eyes trailed down to my wrists, where the mark from the ziptie was beginning to bruise. We locked eyes for a moment and he seemed deeply perplexed as if he knew something was very, very off.

"Excuse me, but do I know you sir?" he asked me softly. I decided to milk it and gave the man a rather distressed look, letting my eyes glisten with fake tears conjured especially for the occasion.

"My name Is Kyouya Ohtori," I said, purposefully letting a bit of distress seep into my voice. I prayed he would notice something was wrong. Perhaps he could call someone- my father or Tamaki or the cops. Antoine tightened his grip on my shoulder threateningly and glared at the man.

"Oh, of course, my apologies sir," the meek man said quickly, dropping his gaze to the floor. I tired in vain to get his attention despite several light warning pinches and tightened grips from my captor. The man didn't say anything though and simply stood beside us as we waited for our plane to get in. As I stood there, eyes obscured by my glasses, I came to the conclusion that there was nothing I could do to save myself. Antoine had a gun, which meant I couldn't run. Hiding wasn't an option, and the man who'd spoken to me didn't seem to notice something was wrong. I stared up at the arrivals and departures board and saw- much to my horror- that the next flight to Montreal was at seven in the morning the next day. Tamaki would undoubtedly piece together what was wrong by then and would take the first flight out to get me- probably taking my father with him- but would he be too late to help? If he left at seven he wouldn't arrive until nine the next night. That would leave me alone with her for eight hours. I couldn't rule out the possibility that she would kill me and I knew for sure that she would do something of a more sexual nature as well. As for what exactly she would do I hadn't the slightest idea and I didn't want to think about it. Whatever it was, eight hours was enough to do it.

It turned out that I would no longer be counting cracks, but hours instead.

_Twenty-two hours until salvation but only fourteen hours until doomsday._


	11. Chapter 11

A/n: since no one seems to believe me when I say I looked this stuff up I suppose more proof is in order.

Because there is no court order or any formalized agreement keeping kyouya away from his mom and vice versa she is not breaking any rule in having him taken away. Kyouya's mom has custody of him even though she has been forbidden to see him. The person who forbid her from seeing him is yoshio ohtori therefore there is no binding legal agreement only one through word of mouth. She has the right to take him and she is using it. It is not abuse because she has not laid a hand on him yet. to arrest her now would be like arresting someone for having a gun in their house even if they're never even used it- for ill or proper circumstances.

more research:

Those who have legal power over teens can send them or move them pretty much anywhere they want to without the consent of the teens. They can even send them to the "boot camp" type places in other countries which Jordan Riak has reported on his site.

This ability to send them wherever they want to, whenever they want to is similar to how slave owners use to sell their slaves.

Here is a quote from an article...

Inside, 250 foreign children are locked up. Almost all are American, but though kept prisoner, they were not sent here by a court of law. Their parents paid to have them kidnapped and flown here against their will, to be incarcerated for up to three years, sometimes even longer.

from wikipedia: In many states of the United States, if there is no formal custody order, and the parents are not living together, the removal of a child by one parent is not an offense.

I should hope this information is sufficient as I have sited THREE sources to prove my point (one in the last chapter's author's note and two in this one) It is legal. i do not feel like discussing this any longer.

ok aside from the very long, very rude and standoffish author's note i have only a few more words for you to read, or skip as i'm sure no one cares what i have to say.

I am undeniably out of my depth here. I'm fifteen, a virgin, never been kissed, first time yaoi writer, first m-rated fic writer, and second time lemon writer... I can only promise to do my very best to make this fic good. I'm worrying myself sick over this fic actually... I shall do my best to keep updates frequent but i warn you that my summer homework is calling to me as well as yet another family vacation- although this time it's to go to anime fest orlando as haruhi from episode 16- so i may be a bit more delayed in my updates. I hope to have this finished by the start of my sophmore year so that my classes do not make periods between chapters long.

Sorry to disappoint but i do not think kyouya will be seeing his mother until chapter 12. the story will be over by about chapter fifteen unless i change my original plan (which has happened once, no twice, already)

I'm going to shut up now ^^

My face was blank, but inside I was shaking. I was about to be taken onto a _plane_ and flown _across the ocean_ so that my mother could _rape _me. It was not a situation I wanted to be in. My captor stood beside me, glaring at me like a cat watches a mouse. I could tell he found it all rather troublesome- and probably not worth his effort- but highly amusing. Standing there I felt the sudden urge to give up. My hope was draining quickly and finding an escape plan was like keeping sand in a sieve.

The meek man continued to watch me, obviously curious, but didn't say anything. I was hoping I could get to speak to him as I vaguely remembered meeting him somewhere before and thought that perhaps I knew him. He seemed to know me and if I could only know his name…

Maybe I would know him too.

My heart skipped a beat as a security guard sauntered over. _Perhaps there is still hope._ The security guard grabbed my arm without warning and started dragging me away. Antoine followed behind, seeming to know what was going on. Another guard joined us as we walked and I soon found myself being dragged into a small holding area. It was two rooms connected by a single door such that it was necessary to pass through the first in order to reach the second. I, along with one of the guards, was placed in the further back of the two rooms while my captor remained in the other. The guard bade me to sit in one of the multiple folding chairs scattered throughout the room. He stood before me as I sat, staring up at him, and refused to be seated. I wanted to tell him something; something that could save me from my fate.

"Sir, that man- Antoine Croft- he has a gun. He's using it to kidnap me and-" I began before the man cut me off.

"I know of your situation Mr. Ohtori."

"Then you must understand that it is _imperative_ that I get away from him. That I not board the plane." I said imploringly.

"I understand that sir, but there is something you yourself must understand. I am being paid _handsomely _for my service."

I opened my mouth to speak but he cut me off before I could form a single word to express my rage.

"I have a wife and three kids. The children will never be able to attend college if I do not have the money Mr. Croft is giving me. I know that whoever he is working for wants you on that plane and that in order to get my money I must follow orders." the man said coldly, looking me over as if bored by my presence. My blood boiled.

_Greed._

It was like a weed, spreading its poisonous tendrils and infecting everything in sight. First my father- choosing our name over my safety- and now this man- ignoring a serious situation for money. I was furious. How _dare_ someone sworn to protect _ignore_ something like _this_. I wanted to scream at him but I kept my face cold and blank as always.

"I will make you _suffer_ when I get out of this." I said icily.

That bastard. I wished he would drop dead right there. He shook his head at me.

"We're not letting him take his gun-"

_Oh?_ Well, that was something in my favor. If he didn't have his gun there was the chance that I could run away although he was probably faster than me.

"-but we're leaving him his knife and his lighter."

_Knife?_ If I tried to get away and was caught... An image of blood seeping from my chest made me cringe internally. Could I risk running if he was still armed? Maybe, as the alternative was certainly worse. At that point I would have done anything to keep my mother away from me.

_Mother..._

A sudden flash of memory took me by surprise. In my mind I saw her standing over me, shoving me to the floor and attempting to remove my clothes. In my memory I barely protested, simply letting her do as she wished with me. My mind cleared as suddenly as a gust of wind upon the sea.

"A-ah," I mumbled incoherently before regaining my composure. I was horrified and angry but I knew that there were more important things to worry about.

"I'm rich you know, I could pay you off." I reasoned, trying to gain some ground of the man. He simply shook his head.

"You have no idea what you're dealing with."

I fell silent. What could I do? _What could I do?_ Antoine and the other guard returned at that very moment and glared coldly at me. My captor took me by the wrist and pulled me toward the door.

"The flight is boarding." he hissed.

"W-wait-!" I protested, "There must be something I can do! I have just as much money as she does! I can give you twice what she is!"

His hand met my cheek with chilling ferocity. My mind flashed back to the Ouran festival, where my father had done just the same. Just as I had back then, I froze up. My mouth closed, my eyes narrowed, and I showed no emotion.

I knew where I stood. Only my own strength could keep me safe. Only sheer luck could aid my escape. Only time could set me free.

We boarded the plane without speaking. Antoine carried my bag with him wordlessly and once we were seated he seemed to relax visibly. Fortunately for him and unfortunately for me, there was no way to get away. The next time my feet would touch solid earth would be in Canada. The only thing that kept me from sheer despair was the fact that the meek looking man from earlier made it his personal business to figure out what was going on with me. I was seated in between the two with my captor at the isle seat, myself in the middle, and the meek man at the window. I was surprised that my mother hadn't bothered getting us first class seats, although in retrospect that would have drawn a lot more attention. Still, sitting in business class was irritating but a blessing in disguise. My captor took the liberty of removing my phone from my bag, silencing it, and shoving it into his pants pocket, as if daring me to try and get it. My bag was shoved haphazardly into the overhead bin. I desperately wanted the plane to stay grounded but I couldn't do anything to stop it as it took off. I listened intently to the safety instructions and watched for the opportunity to get ahold of the meek man's name but neither effort proved fruitful. As the plane took off I stared miserably at my knees and prayed that Tamaki would save me- that _anyone_ would save me- and that I wouldn't have to see my mother. I prayed that she would die of a heart attack before we arrived. I prayed that something would be wrong with my passport and that they would hold me until someone safe came to get me or better still that they sent me back to japan. Of course, this only entertained me for about twenty minutes before I grew antsy and tired.

I was looking for something to occupy my nervous energy when the man beside me tried to make conversation.

"I-I'm Daisuke Yamaoto," said the meek man, "I've seen you at your father's parties."

I, for lack of words, nodded and flashed him one of my many fake smiles. I had done some business with his company- a catering company for the rich- and knew him to be a trustworthy man. I instantly felt relieved. Antoine's beefy hand snaked up to my shoulder and squeezed it warningly. The meek man, Daisuke, noted this with a rather suspicious mien and grew somber in expression. I watched his eyes trace my bruised cheek. He smiled a very fake looking smile that I'd seen many a businessman do and joked that my face was so grave it appeared as though someone had died. He inquired as to if I was to attend a funeral with a light chuckle but his eyes showed a very different kind of curiosity. He could tell something was very wrong- although what exactly he couldn't piece together- and he was responding by attempting to seem as careless and casual as he could.

"As I said, I am Kyouya Ohtori and no I am not attending a funeral." I said, shooting the man a 'later' look which understood immediately. I turned away and did my best to seem disinterested as my mind raced through torturous images of my mother.

I saw things I had never imagined were possible.

Memory after memory assaulted my mind, tearing me apart inside as they passed through my consciousness. I remained as blank as I possibly could on the outside as I remembered what had come to pass and fretted over what hadn't yet. _If only I could get away..._

It took four hours for Antoine to eventually give in to sleep- and he only did so after I faked passing out from exhaustion- but when he did it was as if an enormous weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I turned to Daisuke and gave him a tired, weary glance. He met my eyes curiously and asked me what was wrong.

"Softly sir," I whispered, "I cannot allow this man to wake from his uneasy slumber."

"Of course," came the nearly inaudible response. With an emotionless face I turned to face him fully.

"I'm being kidnapped."

Three words, a world full of problems.

"K-Kidnapped? You?" he hissed in surprise.

"By my mother. She's going to hurt me."

"How can I help you?" he asked worriedly, seeming genuinely concerned. I saw a business card peeking out from the inside of his breast pocket and gestured to it.

"I'll give you a phone number to call. Tell the person who answers I'm being kidnapped. They'll believe me, I assure you." I said quietly, knowing he'd comply. He drew a pen and a business card from his pocket and I wrote out Tamaki's number. Bellow it I wrote and labeled my father's cell phone number and the number to call for my house. Daisuke nodded solemnly and placed the card in the safety of his pocket. As I opened my mouth to thank him he shook his head and looked pointedly at my captor. Clearly, this was a sign for me to fake sleeping again.

Surprisingly enough, I was so exhausted that I actually fell asleep for the final six hours of the flight. I suppose the fact that I knew I couldn't be hurt or threatened in public was what allowed me to sleep. Although, my dreams were really just nightmares and what little rest I had was fitful and didn't make me any less exhausted. When we landed I was woken by Antoine shaking my shoulder roughly. He clutched at my backpack with one hand and pulled me to my feet with the other.

Customs was a dreary experience. Antoine assured me that every single officer who would be speaking to us was on my mother's payroll. Escape was impossible. I stood beside my captor as my passport was presented to the officials.

"Business or pleasure?" asked one stony-faced official.

"Pleasure, sir," replied Antoine with a devilish smirk. The official wouldn't even meet my eyes.

My mother had arranged things so that a car was waiting for us as we left the airport.

And of course, she had a back-up gun stashed in the glove box. _Just when I thought I had a chance..._

Antoine once again took the liberty of locking me into the car with the child safety locks on, and when we were a few miles from the airport he pulled over to re-zipptie my wrists behind my back. I wanted to kill him.

For what was probably the hundredth time in the past twenty-four hours, I asked myself what was worse: death or rape? I couldn't choose. Either option seemed painful and terrible. I just wanted to get home again where I was moderately safe.

Through the car's tinted windows I watched as trees and telephone poles blew past. We were driving fast- very fast- and I could barely get a sense of my surroundings. I stared out the window and up at the dismal grey skies. It looked ready to rain. Canada was frustrating to me for every mile we drove looked just like the one before it: slightly hilly, grey toned, barren, and underpopulated. Clearly, we were taking the road less traveled. The four hours of driving from montreal to quebec dragged on with irritating tedium. The anticipation of what was to happen was nearly killing me. I was strongly reminded of a time from my childhood where I had gotten in trouble for some childish thing. I remembered waiting in terrified anticipation for my father to punish me... dreading what was to come but wanting it to be over so that my worries would be gone... I was torn between wanting to keep driving forever and simply getting there and getting the whole thing over with.

I looked into the driver's mirror and met eyes with Antione who looked infinitely amused by my suffering.

"How long?" I asked after a long moment.

"Ten minutes," came his stony reply.

_Only ten minutes until I would see her. Only ten minutes left for a miracle. Only ten minutes left of sanity. Ten minutes... I would be counting every one._

a/n: sorry for the delay. I was busy making a cosplay costume, then in chicago, then packing for anime fest orlando, then I was IN ORLANDO, then homework got in the way. I promise I'll be better with updating next time. and just please please please, stop insisting i'm wrong about the laws being broken here. I know it's a STUPID RULE but she can legally have him taken as she has custody.


	12. Chapter 12 mature warning

A/n: I'm alive lol. props if you get the soul eater reference. Beware of grape. My second lemon ever. I suggest listening to Hide and Seek by imogen heap whilst reading this.

The force of my fear was almost too much to handle. I could feel it pressing upon me like a thousand pounds of sheer power. It weighed down my limbs as I was removed from the car, nearly making it impossible to move, locking onto me, filling me with a feeling of dread akin to that of a man on death row. Would I die? I certainly didn't know.

And I didn't know if I wanted to.

Her house was spacious to say the least. Its yard was expansive and as I looked back down the driveway we'd just come up I could see that it was practically a mile to the road. The house itself was similar to the style of my home in Japan- ultra-modern, grey, and sharp in all respects- but it was a good deal smaller. That is not to say, however, that the home was small. Quite the contrary, it was enormous and I knew finding my way out once inside would be nearly impossible.

My captor held me by my still-bound arm as he led me to the main door of the building. I could feel every fiber of my being tense as he pressed a series of numbers into the lock's keypad.

_4242564..._

Over and over the numbers ran through my mind as my captor led me down through the main hall of the house, down a smaller corridor and into a large room. The room was sparsely decorated and deathly cold causing me to shiver slightly. The room's four walls were decorated thusly, two were plain and painted a sterile white, one was composed entirely of windows looking out into a large field- presumably her yard- and a forest, and the remaining wall was tiled in slate grey and covered almost completely by modern-looking grey cabinets. The door had a lock. Inside the room itself was a table much like the one from my home's dining room, a few scattered chairs, a nightstand, a clock, and a single king-sized bed with a metal frame. I was shoved in unceremoniously as my captor drew his knife from his pocket. He cut me free and pushed me away as if I disgusted him.

"Stay put, brat." he said, turning away and going to the door. I heard the click of the lock as he disappeared out into the hallway. I knew it was hopeless to try but I rushed at the door and tried to break it down. It wouldn't even budge, let alone break in. Still I beat at it until my hands and feet ached.

I stared worriedly around; hoping to whatever god was watching that I could be saved. There had to be something that I could do to assuage her. Surely she had some weakness I could exploit. I turned back to the room and surveyed it once again. Wandering over to the nightstand I tugged its drawer open and nearly collapsed upon seeing its contents.

A pink dildo.

_Oh shit._

I felt my blood run cold. Clearly... she had planned more than I had thought. _What am I going to do?_ I couldn't let her do anything to me. Not again. I turned the matter over in my mind again. Death or rape? My situation was terrible. A real catch-22. I was damned to either die or be raped.

Maybe both.

I closed the drawer with a grimace knowing that I would rather die than let her put _that_ or any part of her body near me. I walked about the room, my nervous energy radiating off of me in waves as I worried over what would become of me. I was about to try breaking the door down with the nightstand when I heard the door open. I turned and felt my legs shake. It was her.

"Hello Kyouya, I've missed you dearly." She said.

I felt my head swell with memories so strong they made me feel terribly faint. All the things she'd done, all the times she'd hurt me… they flashed through my mind in such rapid succession that I shook to my core. My eyes closed and I swayed on my feet. It didn't matter though. Her hair, still luscious, brown and curly- though now with streaks of grey- still haunted my mind. Her eyes, so piercing and blue, stared me down furiously; digging into me with icy needles even when I closed my eyes. Her skin so pale and ghostly still enveloped me in my memories- memories that rushed to the front of my mind with staggering ferocity. It didn't help that she was scantily clad either for this only brought back more memories. Apparently she oft dressed like that when we were alone together.

She took a step towards me and I backed up. I was going to pass out. I knew that for a fact. Even smaller amounts of memories like the ones I had encountered while at home had left me weak in the knees, semi-conscious, dazed, confused, and even sent me to the floor. Having _all_ of them return in the same moment was just too much for my body to handle. My eyes opened and locked with hers for a moment.

I passed out.

Passing out in front of a sex predator is probably the _worst_ thing one can do so when I awoke- on the aforementioned bed- I was worried. Worrying is human, and it's logical in this situation, but surprisingly enough upon waking I was fully clothed and not bound in any way. I sat up, reached to adjust my glasses and found that they were gone. I peered around, my vision fuzzy, and found that my mother was perched on the bed's footboard holding my glasses with a dazed smile.

"Don't worry love; I wouldn't do anything while you're out. It's _boring_ to fuck someone who's practically _a corpse_." she said, drawing out each syllable and finishing with a smirk. She handed me my glasses and I watched her carefully. It wasn't exactly comforting to know that she had an opinion about when it's most fun to rape people. I wondered for a short moment if she was a necrophiliac but her earlier comment assuaged my fears. If she hated taking someone near death then she wouldn't rape my corpse. Some small comfort that was.

"So," she said, continuing to smile at me like a cheshire cat, "how's daddy-dear been treating you? Still think he cares?"

I refused to dignify her with an answer but I wouldn't have known what to say anyway. As for how he treated me, he only acted like his normal self be that good or bad. I wasn't sure if he cared about me but I guess he must have to a certain degree. I was a valuable investment after all. She leaned closer to me from her perch and I inched back with my most foreboding glare.

"Don't touch me." I said. She simply snapped her fingers and called in Antoine.

"Oh you're in no position to give orders."

_I never have been; not once since my birth._

She once again came closer to me and tried to touch me, raising a hand to my cheek before I dodged her again. She crawled closer and closer until my back was pressed against the headboard. She continued crawling closer and closer, over my legs and up against my torso.

"Stop!" I snapped, shoving her away.

"No!" she screeched pushing me back. Antoine stepped in then by slipping around the back of the bed and holding me against the headboard as I struggled to get away from them. I thrashed about as best I could with her sitting on my legs and him holding my torso and arms back. She leaned closer to me, her lips inches from mine, and I felt my mind fill with a hundred past instances in which she'd done the same thing to me. She kissed me and the scent of cherry tart filled my nostrils. Her lips, greedy as I remembered them, were harsh against mine. I stayed shock still, my eyes closed in rage and my glasses sliding down my nose. _No... No. NO!_

I took whatever strength I could get and used it to slam my forehead against hers. She jerked back from my impromptu head-butt and I managed to break my legs free long enough to kick her.

"That's it! Antoine! Help me!" she barked furiously, reaching for my trousers and attempting to remove them. This I protested fervently, throwing every ounce of my strength into stopping them from removing my clothes as Antoine practically jumped on me to remove my shirt. My glasses slipped off my face, severely weakening my ability to see. I cried out angrily as I felt my shirt being torn at the seams in an attempt to remove it from my person. With an audible rip it was torn from me and my pants were removed in much the same fashion. I felt her working at my boxers as I was being held down and jerked about madly.

"Don't touch me! Don't you dare touch me!" I screamed. My most primal instincts took over. Breaking my arms free from his vice-like grasp I managed to throw them both off and scramble away from the bed, my limbs flailing haphazardly as I stumbled away.

My mind took my most feral, animalistic tendencies and used them as my only defense against her and her cohort. My eyes narrowed into necessitous slits. My body took on a natural fighting stance and my jaw clenched. I stared viciously between them. My mother laid back languidly with lust filled eyes and smiled.

"Don't. You. Touch. Me." I growled, emphasizing each word threateningly. Out of the corner of my eye I saw my clothes in a messy heap upon the floor nearby. More than anything I wanted to get them and _get out,_ but I knew it wouldn't be that easy. They still had the upper hand, nothing had changed-

I was powerless as always.

She stood from her perch on the bed and stalked closer to me- _threateningly_ close to me. She reached up to my face and I reacted as following my primal instincts. I swung at her, leaving red scratch marks on her cheek.

"You will never defile me again." I growled, shoving her away and onto the bed. She looked up at me with a look of... wonderment?

"You're so different." she said, "You used to be so complacent."

I expected her to get angry or to attack me again but she smiled the goofiest grin I have ever seen.

"I _like _it!" she exclaimed, "Antoine, dear, fetch me some duct tape."

I still cringe thinking of how they managed to hold me down, duct taping my hands behind my back and my mouth closed. 'Don't say a word,' is what she told me as she forced the tape across my lips. What I wouldn't have given to get away from her as she practically tore my boxers off... She dragged me onto the bed once again so that I was kneeling, naked, before her. She was happy, satisfied by my body. She started with my neck, trailing kisses down from my jaw to my collar bone which she lapped at insistently. I bit my tongue from behind the tape. _Stop... Don't touch me._ My hands twitched in their bindings as she moved down from there to my nipple. She sucked and licked at it until it became erect, teasing the neglected one with her fingers. _Tamaki where are you?! _She moved even further down, licking at my navel before taking my cock into her mouth. The feeling of her tongue running along the sides of my shaft with her lips at its head was enough to make me want to scream, to fight, and to kill. She was driving me mad and I wanted nothing more than to escape.

Yet my body betrayed me.

My cock hardened under her touch and I averted my eyes. I could feel her eyes on me, hungrily taking me in as she attempted to deep throat my damnable erection. I choked on air, trying to get away and break free from the tape over my mouth. My eyes squeezed shut. Someone removed the tape from my mouth and kissed me. My eyes snapped open. _Antoine._ In that moment I would have killed him with my bare hands if I could. I imagined the feeling of his neck in my hands, the sound of his desperate gasps for breath, his-

"Kyouya dear, don't lose focus now. I want you to cum and I can't have you distracted for that now, can I?"

She started moving faster then, calling Antoine over and telling him to drop-trou. I closed my eyes desperately as she paused in her attack to pull her henchman closer. She said something to him in french so rapid that I couldn't even distinguish the words. My head swam as I felt her breath on my cheek. Clearly she was taking a break from her attempt to eat me in order to drive me insane. I felt her tongue on me, all over me, torturing me. My breath hitched as I squeezed my eyes closed even tighter. _Stop!_ I fought and fought them, trying to get away first as I was held down, then as Antoine shoved himself into my mouth, forcibly holding my head in a position that made me deep-throat him. I could feel how hard he was with my tongue as he thrust awkwardly within my mouth. I squeezed my eyes shut tightly as my mother continued to lick at my privates. I didn't want either of them near me.

I would rather die than suffer as I was but I couldn't move an inch.

When I heard the night-stand's drawer open my mind shut down. I didn't react when she used Antoine's semen to lubricate the vile thing. I didn't react when Antoine's erection was once again shoved into my mouth. I didn't react when she moved me and spread my legs apart. I didn't think. I didn't feel.

But when she forced that thing inside me I screamed bloody murder.

...

Words cannot describe the agony I felt when she had finished with me. My body, so injured and sore and tired, was limp at her touch as she played with me. I wasn't thinking anymore. I only counted seconds as they ticked by. _Tamaki will be here soon... Tamaki will save me..._ I counted thrusts, screams, whimpers, drips of fluid from my face as they fell to the floor, and most of all I counted the minutes until I would be safe. _How long has it been now? Surely they should be here..._

She toyed with me as long as she pleased, taking her sweet time to destroy me and eventually the intrigue of my naked body was gone. At long last she finished, leaving me drained of all emotion, all thoughts, all life.

I was breathing, but I was dead.

"Stop your stupid counting." she snapped from the edge of the bed where she perched. I hadn't realized I'd been counting aloud.

"Your father isn't coming, ok? No one cares about you except me. Only me! Think only of me Kyouya! Love only me!"

_Tamaki cares. Tamaki will save me._

"Your father thinks your useless, just a backup in case on of your brothers kills himself."

_I'm the one who should die. So impure, so fallen..._

"He wouldn't have let me touch you if he'd actually cared. He practically encouraged me, leaving you with me all the time when you were little."

_He never cared about me. Only Tamaki loves me..._

"He doesn't even like you. That's why he's not coming."

_Tamaki loves me. Tamaki is coming._

"He never loved me either, which is why I will end him."

_Father doesn't care about me. He should be here for me._

"I'm going to ruin him! With my own hands I will destroy his reputation and his child!"

_He chose to protect himself from scandal over me._

"Now that I'm done with you I'm going to end you, then myself. Scandal will plague him for the rest of his life! He will live in infamy until the day he decides to kill himself!"

_Tamaki will save me. I will not lose to her._

"The memory of his failures will haunt him forever!"

She laughed a hysterical laugh and turned to Antoine, who had paled several shades.

"Madame, we talked about this- you said that-!"

She cut him off in the midst of his horrified interjection. Smily devilishly she said "I'll end you too."

She stood, her clothes falling from her body in torn fragments, and stumbled over to where Antoine had discarded his jacket. From its pocket she removed the gun, then stood- cocking it at him with a cheshire cat's grin. He backed away, trying to reason with her- but it was to no avail.

She fired two shots into his chest and he fell to the floor, dead.

I don't remember screaming but I know I must have. All I can say is that in the next moment she was straddling me, on the floor- which I have no recollection of falling to- with a gun pressed to my neck.

"Where's daddy now?" she hissed hysterically, her eyes glittering with insanity and bloodlust, "Why isn't he here to save you? Oh wait! He doesn't _care!_ Such a shame that he can't witness the end of your life!"

I heard a gunshot but felt no pain. The gun fell from her bloody hands as she screamed.

"Kyouya!"

_Tamaki._

A/n: this is probably written really really badly. I'm sorry. Sex is not my forte. But... in other news... Had my first kiss. Kissing isn't very fun, it turns out.


	13. Chapter 13

A/n: Life happened. I'm so so sorry for my speed with this fic I just- struggles- can't seem to manage my anime life with my schoolwork. (Fricking AP classes man... they totally steal all your free time with their essays and their stupid homework and fricking hours of studying) Also... this might be my last ouran fanfic. Maybe. it depends how things go for me. I'll definitely finish this fanfic though. there is NO WAY I'm abandoning counting cracks after all this... It's been like two thirds of a YEAR. that's a long time and I already know how this is ending.

and one more thing: OMG I HIT FIFTY REVIEWS -glows with joy- OMG OMG OMG!!! Thank you to JessieSinnFold for being number fifty and totally making my WEEK (no- month!) with her uber kind words! (Hey JessieSinnFold, if you want I'll write you something. So if you have a request tell me. If not I'm just going to type out one of my many plot bunnies and throw it at you.)

OK! the show must go on! (which by the way is the main influence for one of the upcoming chapters)

In slow motion I saw the gun skid across the floor in a pool of blood. My mother clutched at her hand- which was where the shot had fallen. I felt sheer terror pulse through my veins as I lunged for the gun and held it to her head. I heard the sound of my own breathing, ragged, halting, shaking as I tried to process what had happened. I didn't dare look up to see my savior- What if it wasn't who I thought? What if I'd imagined Tamaki's voice?- I didn't want to think about the weapon in my hand, the blood and seamen on my body, the innocence I'd lost. I was just too much.

Just- just- just... just too much...

I'd been raped. I'd seen a man be murdered. I'd come close to death myself. I would never be normal; never the same. I was alive. I was alive but... what miracle had saved me?

I turned my head slowly to meet eyes with my father, who held a gun in shaking hands. Behind him stood Tamaki, looking frantic, worried, relieved, and horrified in the same moment.

"I heard a gunshot and I thought..." Tamaki's soft voice trailed off, "but you're ok. We got here in time."

"Tamaki..."

I only had eyes for Tamaki. He came. He loved me. He wanted me to be ok. Tamaki, Tamaki, Tamaki... you came for me.

I felt everyone's eyes on me for a moment before shrill laughter shattered the silence.

"Oh good! Flock from one abuser to the other! Genius move Kyouya dear!" the deamon laughed with a touch of insanity in her voice. I felt my blood run cold as I thought back on all my new memories. My father had left me in her care- even given me to her so that she would leave him alone- despite knowing of the abuse. What was I to do? Could I trust someone I knew to be a constant turncoat with a gun in his hands?

"He's no better than I am! Insulting you at every turn and leaving us alone together whenever he wanted us out of the way! You're nothing more than an object- an investment!" she was goading me, trying to get me to turn the gun on my father. I knew that- but the gun turned on it's own to face my the man who'd saved me.

"I came for you, Kyouya. I care for you." he said slowly, softly, as if her were approaching a cornered animal. Investment... the exact word I'd used. I was just an investment that if successful would bring honor and revenue to our family. I was like breathing stock.

But... he came to save me. No, he came because it would look bad for Tamaki to come and him to remain home. He may actually have been hoping that she would simply kill me. How was I to know when he showed no emotion whatsoever?

"He came for appearance sake only!" my mother continued, "He doesn't care!"

Shut up.

I couldn't put my thoughts together. I was safe but I wasn't. I was calm but I wasn't. I was afraid yet I wasn't.

"Kyouya please put the gun down!" Tamaki cried nervously. My gaze flicked between the three of them, unsure where to rest. I met Tamaki's eyes and he mouthed three words to me.

'I love you' he mouthed.

"Kyouya please put the gun down. I won't hurt you." My father said slowly. I stared up at him numbly. I love you. I love you. I love you. .... words from the past ran through my head, overlapping and mixing in a mad chorus. Tamaki, my father, and my mother had all said those words to me. Who meant it?

Tamaki suddenly shook his head violently and darted past my father. He ran to my side, heedless of the gun in my hand, and threw his arms around me. If it had been anyone else they would have been dead-

But it was my Tamaki.

He saved me.

I let Tamaki take the gun from me and remove the bullets. He leaned close in my ear and started whispering as my father called 911.

"Kyouya, I'm so glad you're safe. I was so scared when I realized what had happened. I went to your house when I found you hadn't come to me. There was a note on the floor in the entrance hall- your mother's note. As soon as I found it I went and got your father. We got on the first plane this morning and the second we landed we rented a private jet and flew here. Saved us hours of time... and we got here just in time... Oh gosh," Tamaki stared sobbing as he wrapped his arms tighter around me, "if you had died... I wouldn't have known what to do with myself. You're like the sun in my life- without you there is only darkness. You're everything to me. I know we never formally discussed it b-but you're my boyfriend now and I- I love you."

He continued spewing romantic phrases of increasing cheesiness as he looked around over my shoulder. I felt him shudder when he saw the blood dripping from my ass. I knew is was coated all along the back of my legs and my lower front with both blood and... body fluids. I was a mess.

I was ugly, dirty, and a disgrace. I was almost worried that he wouldn't except me after all that happened.

"Kyouya... je t'aime. I love you."

I felt my eyes close as I passed out from relief in his arms. Why worry? He loves me at least and if he can save me from this he can save me from anything.

I didn't wake up for a long time and when I did I was resting in a hospital bed. I looked to my left and saw Tamaki sitting in a chair beside my bed- our fingers were intertwined. Odd, I hadn't noticed that. I continued to survey my surroundings numbly and found that they matched the total numbness and lack of sensation in my body. The walls were painted a sterile color of white to match the white floors, white bed, white sheets and the white hospital gown I was apparently wearing. I could only see colors until I put my glasses on- they were new, complete with a note from my father saying that my old ones had been broken at some point- but when I looked around again I saw that there was scarcely anything to look at. I turned my eyes to Tamaki, who was asleep, and watched the way his chest moved in and out with each breath. He was pale as a ghost and had dark circles beneath his closed eyes. He was wearing all white as well- white pants and a white button up shirt- which made his blond hair stand out even more. He looked so peaceful sitting there. My Tamaki who saved me, who loved me, who would never betray me.

_Mine_.

The door slid open. I felt my entire body stiffen up and cling tighter to Tamaki as the door opened a few inches.

"Kyouya, you're awake." said a voice- my father's voice. I didn't respond and so he opened the door fully and stepped in. He was dressed in a light grey suit with a red tie- this too was new for I didn't recognize it. I looked him over coldly, not trusting him as far as I throw him. He was like a double edged sword- I couldn't tell how to touch it without getting hurt.

I remembered how he would leave me alone with her as a child for days on end while he went about the world doing business. However, I also remembered a time in which he had been so tender with me- letting me sit in his lap as a young child and watch him work.

"_Father?" I asked turning around in his lap to face him._

"_Yes, Kyouya?" he responded, not looking away from the ledger in front of him._

"_I want to be a businessman when I grow up too. I'll do math and sell people things and everything!" I said determinedly. He smiled a bit to himself and looked down at me steadily._

"_You're only three years old. You have a very long way to go."_

"_But I can do it right? I can be as good as you and my brothers?" I blinked up at him hopefully. In that moment it was as though my future hinged on his words._

"_You can be your best and nothing more." he said solemnly after a pause._

"_I know I can do it," I said not pausing to consider his words._

"_I believe you."_

"How are you doing?" he asked me. I didn't answer, instead choosing to stare at the wall in front of me. He picked my medical chart off a hook at the foot of the bed. "You're readings look good. You should make a full recovery, you know. You'll be out of here in a few days and if the embassy allows it we should be back home in a week or two."

_I stood hesitantly at the door to my father's office, nervous about bothering him but urged on by a roaring headache and tossing stomach._

"_Father, I feel very ill..." I said quietly as I walked in. He looked up at me from his desk which was in an unusually messy state. His suit jacket lay on the back of his chair, his sleeves rolled up to the elbow and his shoes sitting on the floor by his desk. He was almost as messy as I was._

"_I noticed during dinner. A doctor is on his way." he responded coldly._

"_Oh, thank you very much. I guess I'll wait in my room then and come down when he arrives." I said. My father held up a hand to stop me from going._

"_Stay here. I don't want you passing out somewhere without me knowing where you're off at."_

"I see you're not much for talking yet." my father said after a long, pregnant pause. I didn't even meet his eyes as he sat down in the room's only other chair. "You do know I won't hurt you like she did, correct? You understand that I want you to get better?"

So now I was the sick one? They were sick with all their syllogy- all rational and no true feelings for the pawns in their plans. Their plans were all cold arguments of dual-drawn inferences based on shady actions. My father was sick, knowing that my mother would keep quiet if she had me and that I would keep quiet if she kept me busy, then throwing us together like some madman puppeteer! Saying and acting like he cared only to go and abandon me... I just...

My face stayed blank and still I said nothing.

"I want to ask you... about a lot of things. She told me... in detail... about what she did but I need- no the embassy- needs your side."

I continued to refrain from responding.

"And I want to know about Tamaki."

I blinked once, tightening my grip on Tamaki's hand yet again. His fingers turned whiter from being clutched at. I allowed myself to glance in my father's direction, giving him a smooth steady look.

"You said his name in your sleep several times." he was trying to goad me into responding. I knew better than that though. I wouldn't give him an inch.

"_Kyouya... wake up. We're here." I felt a cold hand on my shoulder shake me awake. I sat up in the limo's seat, looking sleepily at my father. I was seven and it was four am christmas morning. We had been out at a client's party and had only just gotten back to the mansion. Good thing I was too old for santa._

"_Ne..." I grumbled incoherently, "I don't want to get up... just five more... minutes..."_

_I fell into a semi-concious state as my father scooped me into his arms and pulled me from the limo. The servants stared at him with amused expressions as he took me inside._

"_I love you..." I said sleepily to my father as he handed me to Tachibana. He only blinked at me before walking away. My mother stepped out from the shadows as Tachibana walked towards my room with me clinging to his chest._

"_Oh, Tachibana deary, let me take him." _

_I was handed over without argument. I must have looked like an angel in her arms. _

"There isn't anything you want to tell me about Suoh is there?"

I shook my head numbly.

"Would you be willing to tell me exactly what happened with your mother instead?"

My throat was dry as a desert and I knew I must have sounded hoarse and raspy.

"She raped me."

The words felt like poison.

"_Father! I know something is wrong!" my sister's voice rang out from behind the door. I crouched in the shadows outside my father's office, listening to my sister argue with him._

"_Fuyumi, everything is fine."_

"_Don't lie to me! I know she's doing something bad to him and even if I don't know what just yet I know it has to stop!"_

"_Your mother is only doing the job she was meant to do- raising the family."_

"_For all you know she could be raping him or something! What if she were giving him drugs or- I don't know- taking pornographic pictures?! How would you know?!"_

"_I know of all your mother's activities."_

"_But I _know_ something is wrong!"_

"_There is nothing wrong with this family."_

She raped me twelve times in the course of my life and molested me forty-seven times. I am seventeen.

A/n: Look who is wearing what in this chapter. Here Yoshio-sama is literally the "grey area" between good (the safe sterile hospital room and tamaki) and the evil. Oh and Kyouya is about to go off his head.


	14. Chapter 14

A/n: I am in no way making fun of Canada or its police. That character is meant for synergism and is part of a commentary on people and human nature in general. Canadians please do not be offended.

Chapter fourteen:

My father stayed firmly in the room, only a foot from my bed, and stared me down.

"I'm aware of that." he said coldly. Clearly he'd wanted more information than that obvious fact. He pressed me for more, "But exactly _how _and to what extent."

"He did too." I said quietly. I could hardly stand to talk about it- it hurt to much.

"The dead man?" he questioned, surprise evident in his voice. I nodded lightly and looked away. My gaze found the wall and I stared at it determinedly. I would not- no, could not- meet his gaze. I felt his eyes trail over my body in speculation and horror. I felt a chill run down my spine as a the temperature seemed to drop a few degrees. After a moment he spoke again, feeling curious.

"Where?"

I licked my lips unconsciously and shook my head at him. He asked again and I continued to stare obstinately at the wall. He sat down in one of the rooms two chairs and continued to look at me.

"If you want her to go to jail you must testify against her, which means you have to tell us what happened." he explained as if I wouldn't understand. I felt my jaw line harden and my lips seal into a firm line. I would _not_ look at him.

"Kyouya, stop ignoring me." he snapped. I turned my head even further so that he wasn't even in my peripheral vision. I heard an angry sigh from my father. I felt Tamaki stir beside me, his hand clutching tighter to mine.

"We have a press conference in sixteen days and you _will_ speak there. You better get used to talking about it." my father said with a kind of cold fury.

"Hey," Tamaki said, dropping the chains of sleep, "Back off. It's too soon for you to expect this much of him. He'll talk if and when he wants to and he'll tell you if he wants to."

My father stood from his seat, stiffened, and looked the two of us over.

"Forgive me, Kyouya, I didn't know I had to get past your girlfriend." he said snidely. He meant it as a simple disparagement and not as an accusation. Still, I felt my spine stiffen and my shoulders square.

"Just because I actually care about him doesn't mean I'm gay." Tamaki said coldly. _Thank god he knows how to lie._ I mentally praised Tamaki's tact as my father angrily left the room. Tamaki turned to look at me.

"Hey," he said.

"Hey," I said.

"I was wondering when you'd wake up. You've been out for almost thirty-six hours." he said softly, sleepily.

"I had no idea." I said quietly.

We lapsed into silence as he rubbed circles in my palm with his deft fingers. He was so comfortable to be with. I felt all the pressures of what had happen ease as if he were helping to support the world I held on my bruised shoulders.

"I won't make you tell me anything or do anything you don't want to, ok? I just want you to be happy, alright? Because if you're happy I'm happy. You really mean the world to me. You were my first real friend and the first person I loved. I went a whole year suppressing my feelings for you and now that we're together I just... can't bear to see you upset and hurt like this. Daddy just wants Mommy to be ok."

_Tamaki... I..._ I grabbed his wrist and pulled him up so he was standing before dragging him into the bed. I wrapped my arms around him tightly.

"Thank you." I whispered. I wasn't exactly sure what I was thanking him for. I could have been thanking him for actually loving me with no strings attached, or for not expecting too much of me, or for coming to save me, or for staying with me afterwards, or maybe just for being there. I loved him, I really did.

He put his arms around my waist and kissed my cheek gently. I prepared myself for a flashback but none came. I supposed my father was right. Now that I remembered everything the flashbacks had stopped. I had only remembered those things while I talked to my father because I had purposely thought about them. In a way, it was a relief, even if it had come at a cost.

The police came to me later and asked me what I'd experienced. I found myself wishing Tamaki was around to defend me again and that I had not sent him off to get some real sleep and take a shower.

I looked the pudgy officer they'd assigned to me over. He was short, mid-fourties, sandy-blond hair, brown eyes. He was fat too, and looked too uncoordinated to be a real cop. He was staring at me with sympathetic eyes, trying to seem like he could understand me. _Just go away._

"Don't you want her to get convicted? Don't you want justice?"

_Let me alone._

"You have to tell us what happened."

_It's too soon._

"Please, Kyouya_-kun," _he begged emphasizing the honorific as if its use would make me want to trust him. He wasn't even being _polite. _

_Too informal... At least get the right one if you're going to try using them._

"Is it that you don't speak English? Is that it? Do you want a translator?"

When I didn't answer he took his radio from his pocket and issued the order.

"I need someone who speaks Japanese in here." he grumbled. He tried french with me, throwing out a few phrases that I pointedly ignored. I kept my eyes on the wall, not wanting to speak to anyone.

"Your chart says there was evidence that you were raped. They say that when you arrived you were coated with both vaginal fluid and semen which was not yours, or rather, not just yours. The dead man had your saliva on his penis- we had a swab taken while you were out. Your father said it was ok..." he rambled on callously. I wanted to hit him, but I kept my face totally emotionless as I stared at the blank wall of my hospital room. I was angry at his utter tactlessness but more importantly I was angry at the information he'd revealed. My father had authorized a swab of my saliva? When? Why wasn't I informed? What else had he consented to? Which of my other rights had he carelessly signed away? _First he delivers my body to the hands of the devil then he abuses my lack of consciousness? _

"Hey, kid, you want some food or something? Like chips, or, erm, sushi?" he blathered. First insensitive to my situation then making racial slurs? I wanted to have him fired.

But that would mean speaking.

I would only speak for Tamaki, my Tamaki... at least for now.

"Or maybe not then. I'll just stay here I guess, keep ya' company. I mean, a woman raped you so I guess having me around shouldn't do much. Although with your spit on the deceased man's penis there's a pretty high probability that you were raped by him too. You wanna tell be 'bout that?"

My eyes tracked a single fly as it crawled up the wall slowly, buzzing obliviously against the pregnant silence around it.

"Listen I'm not sure if you know what I'm saying but if you do please speak up."

My eyes continued watching the fly as it left it's perch on the wall and flew up to the ceiling. It crawled along the grating of the plasterboard ceiling before finding a light and crawling onto it. The fly touched the dangerous light and electrocuted itself, sending the wretched thing falling down to my bed. It landed, dead, on my knee and I made no move to remove it. The tiny speck of black sat in a sea of imperfect white.

"She won't get away with this if you tell us what happened."

I shook my head, "Leave me alone."

* * *

It's been a week.

I am home in Japan, if one can call it home. The walls are still cold and grey, and as the chill and sleet of the winter blows in I can feel my family change like the seasons, growing colder just like the weather.

My father is like ice. He is slippery and frigid to the touch with surprisingly sharp edges. When he sees me I am not sure if he is regretful or ashamed. His hair has become grayer from dealing with the scandal that now plagues our house. The lines of smoking and age in his face have multiplied as he turns to drinking for an escape. I avoid him whenever possible.

My sister is full of love and support- but I cannot see her for she bears my mother's complexion. Her long, curly hair and thin frame look to much like _her_ that I cannot stand to be in the same room as her for more than a few moments. My sister forgives me, and writes me emails everyday proclaiming her love and support. She forgives me for punching her in the airport when she hugged me.

My brothers, as always, do not understand me. They do not see why I am not actively pursuing justice and trying to punish her to the full extent of the law. They do not understand that if I see her in court the demons of my mind hurt me- destroy me. They expect me to 'move on' in mere weeks. I know recuperation will take years. Even Akito had the gall to so callously ask "Why don't you just have her arrested and be done with the thing?" My brothers are like winter winds. They do not understand the effect they have on people.

The press conference is in a few days. I am worried because I do not know what I should say. Father has been coaching me as best he can, reminding me what is tactful in perilous situations like this. Still, explaining my situation to the world will be hard and I know I will not have a second chance.

Soon I am to speak with the police here at the station nearest to my home. I have managed, until this point, to put off fully explaining that night but I know that all the truth will unfold in just a few minutes. This also scares me.

Tamaki is not permitted to come. I will be alone with the officer. I am worried.

"Kyouya? We're ready for you." my ears prick up at the sound of my name. I turn my head, catching a brief panoramic of the station before locking eyes with the man who had called for me. The station is small, and the front room has only a few desks for various secretaries in the front.

"Yes officer." I say softly, standing and walking towards him. He leads me around the back through a labyrinth of halls and holding pens before we reach a small room with a mirrored window and door. He directs me to a chair which I take with a polite 'thank you'.

"I hope it was not inconvenient for you to come out here." he says politely as he folds into his chair and squints over the folding table at me.

"It was nothing considering I am temporarily not attending school." I respond lightly. The host club was shocked at first to find out what had happened and they all wanted to see me quite desperately. I had refused to meet with them though, and to this moment I still spend most of my free time promising to explain it all when things have settled down. Tamaki however, spends all his free time with me.

"Yes I would imagine it would be hard to attend school with all this drama in the air." he says. This man is surprisingly tactful. I am mildly impressed and relieved.

I nod gracefully before gesturing for him to start.

"Can you give me an overview of what transpired starting from when you were kidnapped?"

"A note was thrown through my windshield attached to a rock. It invited me to come speak with my mother. I knew it was a bad idea so I went to seek out my father at his office and stay over at my friend Tamaki's house for the night for safety in case I was being watched. When I went downstairs I was grabbed from behind, zip-tied and shoved into a car."

I pause for a moment to collect my swimming thoughts.

"You were bound while you were in the car?" the man asks quietly.

"Bound and threatened at gunpoint." I clarify coldly, not letting the rush of sadness, fear and anger I feel upon thinking of it seep into my voice.

"Please continue," the man says.

"I do not know what my mother did but we hadn't needed to pass through security. However at the gate a security guard took us into an office. I found that Antoine's gun had been taken away but he had been allowed his knife. I do not know the names of the involved security officers. We boarded the plane and flew to Montreal. On the plane a man by the name of Daisuke Yamamoto agreed to call Tamaki and my father and inform them of my situation. When we landed we passed through customs in the same manner as we had security. I was bound again and we drove to Quebec."

I had practiced saying this. I know what details to give and how to hold myself. I know every word I am to say.

"Do you know if Mr. Yamamoto actually called the people you asked him to?"

"No, I don't."

"Continue."

"We arrived at her home and I was led to a room with very little furniture- a bed, a nightstand, maybe a table, I blocked the scenery out- and locked in. I looked around and found a dildo." I pause to grimace a bit, knowing that showing this particular emotion will only help my cause, "She arrived soon after, not wearing anything one would leave the house in. I had been having flashbacks of the a-abuse-

a pause here for a desired effect of sympathy-

"from my childhood as I regained my memories, and when I saw her for the first time in all those years it was too much for me. I lost conciseness. When I woke up I was on the bed but there was no evidence of foul play. Antoine came in and held me still while she tried to kiss me. I head-butted her and broke free. They caught me again and ripped off my clothes... and duct-taped my mouth. Then she did... oral s-sex to me."

I have to stop to choke on my own words as I remember the feeling of her tongue on my most private place. It was good that I do not have to hide my horror and anger for I do not know if I could suppress it. The officer offers me a glass of water from a jug on the table and I accept it gladly as my tongue has suddenly gone dry. I gulp down a few slurps before I begin to speak again.

"Antoine took off his pants and he untaped my mouth. He put his penis in my mouth and I-I could hardly breathe. All the while she was between my legs with her tongue on my d-dick enjoying my body while I helpless. Then she got off me and took the dildo and she put it... put it up my... my ass and I couldn't do anything. They both screwed me senseless until she finally got bored and decided she was going to kill me. She took a gun and shot Antione while she told me about how she hated my father and wanted revenge on him and how she wanted me to love her. She had a gun to me when my father burst in and shot her in the hand."

"A-and then what?" the officer says. He is disgusted but still trying to maintain his composure and air of professionalism.

"I took the gun and while I was incapacitated by my fear I turned it on my father. I did not shoot. Tamaki, who had been behind my father rushed over to me, took the gun, removed the bullets, and threw it away. I do not know where the gun landed. The Canadian police arrived a moment later."

"And the rest is history," the man says slowly, looking me over as if intrigued by my injured mind.

"History cannot be forgotten." I say after a moment, looking at the table blankly, "Any more questions?"

"Your childhood is in question. When did the abuse start?"

"I was six."

"Were you the only one involved or were the others aware of it?"

"No one else knew."

"They didn't have any idea?"

"_But I know something is wrong!"_

"_There is nothing wrong with this family."_

"No."

"What did your mother do to you as a child?"

"She raped me. Many times."

"Do you know exactly how many times?"

"Twelve."

"And yet no one knew?"

"It is a big mansion and we are busy people. I was young and naive. She was twisted and sick."

"You don't think the others were merely monstrously indifferent?"

"I did not say that."

"Did they or did they not know?" he asks firmly.

"They didn't know until my eighth birthday."

He looks down at the notes he'd taken and sighs before reaching into his pocket and handing me a card with his name and cellphone number on it.

"I hope you're telling the truth."

"I don't need any more attention."

"Goodbye, Mr. Ohtori. I'll call you if we have more questions."

"Of course."

A/n: i was a little faster this time with updating. but... it's still slow. I'm trying. and from here out the story is in present tense.


	15. Chapter 15

A/n: They actually _name and show_ Kyouya's brothers. Kyouya's oldest brothers name in the cannon series is Yuuichi, which I think is a cool name. It means 'kind one' which is cool because he is nicer than Akito. Aktio means 'one who resents' which is even more appropriate.

I have no excuse for being on hiatus for so long. I'm very sorry. This will be my last ouran fanfiction, I think.

Chapter 15:

The days following my interview with the police were hectic. My father instructed me to stay in my room as much as possible, keep Tamaki close but not too close, and keep my mouth shut until the press conference.

Who was I to disobey him?

Kyouya Ohtori. That is my name. It is who I am, who I will be, and who will be my undoing. Kyouya _Ohtori._ My name now lives in the pity and empathy of other's hearts. My name, the name that has kept me on a leash my whole life, now is known throughout Japan and the world's upper societies. People see pictures of me on the news; hear my story in scattered bits, and make assumptions. My friends have been calling everyday, Tachibanna tells me, but my father has forbidden me to speak with them. He doesn't trust them-

And yet he's feeding the press statements to excite them as if waving a carrot before a horse's nose.

Apparently my feelings on this matter are inconsequential.

I hate this. I can't think a single coherent thought nor speak a sentence without looking like a broken toy. Although, I don't speak very often anyway... I've turned to keeping my mouth shut as much as possible because talking about things… hurts. This fact is why I am nervous about today. I'm sure I'll do absolutely fine with the interview itself but I'm worried that talking about it will reopen the wounds I've been carefully holding closed.

If the thread of others support be my stitches, then I know I will have scars forever.

Tamaki's love and support is helping a lot, but I need something I can't trace. Some people would say I need closure, but all I want to do is run away. Maybe all I need is a chance to breathe. Maybe the people trying to help me are only making it worse. Maybe my father should get his head out of his ass and _back the fuck off._

I'm not ready for this press conference; but what am I to do but endure?

We've chosen to have the press conference at one of the side entrances to our home- an entrance for servants- to look more modest. My father insists it will make us appeal to the public more because we will look more normal. We're currently sitting in a small reception room for lower-importance guests. The room is small and has an air of belonging in a funeral parlor, though no one has ever dared say so. Furniture is limited and crammed into the small room; just two chalky-cream couches and an end-table with a fake potted fern that looks very out of place against the grey walls and floor. There is perhaps five or so square feet of free space in the room not counting the area used by the couches and end-table and it is rather disconcerting to have so many of us in such a small space. The 'us' that makes up our little group is myself, Tamaki, my father, and Akito- who'd come in curiosity to see me off. My father is pacing back and forth slowly, going over the plan in his mind. I watch him unobtrusively, hoping he'll calm down and sit down long enough for me to get a hold on my spent nerves. Tamaki is beside me, his right hand just barely brushing mine. He's quietly assuring me that things will be ok. I'm almost reassured. Akito is perched on the arm of the other couch, staring at me as if I am a fascinating painting or a nearly cracked cryptograph.

"Is there something you want, Akito?"

"Are you sure you're ready for this? We can't afford to have you screw up." he says suddenly.

"I am ready," I say softly, staring at him with my eyes obscured by my glasses.

"I certainly hope so." he says imperiously.

"_Boys…_" my father warns, sensing that Akito's hostile side was beginning to rear its ugly head.

"Remember what we said about the press. Keep calm and if they ask you something you haven't planned an answer for evade the question. You can do that much, right?" he continues harshly. He continues to eye me skeptically, as if he doubts my ability to talk to other humans.

"Don't worry Akito," I snap, "I know the fact that mother raped me is an inconvenience to you so I promise I won't make it any worse by botching the press conference. I would never want to cause you any trouble."

"Boys!" my father snaps, wheeling on Akito and I as he ceases his pacing for a moment, "Stop this bickering now!"

If not for how well our father had trained us, we would be knocking each other's teeth out. Our eyes lock, for a moment; his fiery and anxious for the thing to be done with, and mine cold and dead to the world. He looks away first, an expression of irritation on his features. Tamaki's hand presses more against mine and for once my father notices. I pull away as I feel his gaze on me, acting as though Tamaki's affectionate touch were an accident. I wish I could hold his hand for a moment as I prepare to do this.

My father's cell-phone rings and as he flips it open to check his text he gives us me the signal to open the doors. Tamaki wishes me good luck and Akito gives me a grimace meant to resemble a smile as I put my hand on the door. My father steps to my side and I shove the door open.

My heart nearly stops.

Outside there is a sea of reporters and microphones. They have surrounded the front of the podium we have decided to stand at and probe the air with hungry cameras and recoding equipment. The wall of people shivers and shakes with excitement, microphones on poles bristle like spines on a waiting predator as I step forward into the mouth of the beast. Like an angry chorus words are thrown at me; questions, statements, arguments, introductions. My father raises his hand for silence and, like an angry dog beside its master, the mob falls into a tense, begrudging, and somehow eager silence.

"Thank you for agreeing to come here for this conference. It has been hard to leave the house as of late with all the drama happening. It seems as though the whole country knows of our family now." My father says gracefully, drawing the tense beast into a calmer, more secure silence. The beast's spines, however, only bristle up more as it waits for its fuel.

"What I want to give first is our official statement on the current matter."

I can feel the excitement in the air as the beast practically salivates at the thought of such a juicy tidbit. My father gestures to me, offering up bait to soothe its savage temperament.

I begin speaking clearly and quietly into one of the microphones at our podium, "As a child I was sexually abused by my mother for upwards of two years. She molested and even engaged in sexual activity with me at that time. When I was eight, my father and brother walked in on one of our 'moments'. My father laid plans for her to be arrested and for a divorce but something happened to interrupt this plan. The next day she managed to get a hold of me and shoved me down the stairs. I was severely injured and the blow caused me to get amnesia. I lost all memory of my childhood until recently when another blow to the head during gym in school. When she found this out, she sent one of her bodyguards to spy on and follow me. I was later kidnapped by this man, flown across the ocean to Canada, taken to her home, and raped by the two of them. My father and best friend realized what was going on and took the first plane out of the country to come get me. They saved themselves hours by taking another plane from Montreal to Quebec rather than driving and arrived just in time to shoot the weapon from her hands as she was about to kill me."

It began to run together in my head as I silently fought to keep my cool. I shook my head a bit and began speaking away. "She'd killed her bodyguard only seconds earlier so that there would be no one left to say what'd happened. The police came soon enough and the rest is history as they say…"

I trail off, tilting my head so that my eyes are hidden by my glasses as I stare into the mouth of the beast. For a brief moment there is silence before the beast's deathly wailing fills the air. It screams at me- questions, statements, accusations tubing from its mouth like the drivel it is.

"There are rumors of a divorce? Is this true?" the beast's tongue spurted impatiently.

"Of course. She was a wretched woman and if I never see her again it will be too soon. We go to court in three weeks." My father says calmly. This is the part I know I will hate. This hypocrisy will kill me inside if there's anything left to kill. I know these questions will be the most painful of all.

"Mr. Kyouya! Mr. Kyouya! What's it like being a child abuse victim? Is it hard to deal with the after-affects?"

"I was very naive before and now that what remained of my childhood has been taken from me I feel conflicted. I'm angry and sad and hurt but with the support of my family and friends I know I will be able to live my life normally again."

Pure bullshit of course. The only one who's really helping is Tamaki. Not to mention that my family is less than supportive of me. If anything, they're annoyed.

"There's been tell that Ohtori-san my have known about the abuse prior to the night of your eighth birthday; care to comment?"

He knew. I know he knew….

"I was unaware of what she was doing until the night I witnessed it along with my third child, Akito. Of the four children we were lucky that she never made a pass at anyone else."

"Kyouya, your response?"

"He is telling the truth. He was in the process of taking a more serious action when I lost my memory and it was decided that keeping me in the dark was best. He's always had my best interests at heart."

The same way he looks out for his stock… These lies are somehow very painful. I almost wish he were telling the truth.

"Kyouya-san, will you be or are you seeing a therapist?"

"I will be seeing a therapist when the trial is settled."

_Not if I can help it. I don't need a shrink staring me down and asking me how I feel._

"Ohtori-san do you feel any shame that your son was raped not only by his own mother but by another man?"

"I am not ashamed of him but of them. For the human race to have such vile creatures in it is disgusting. I hope he enjoys his eternity in hell. As for her, I hope she rots in jail for the rest of her life."

Maybe he should rot in jail too for what he did. He lied to me- and he never protected me.

A camera flashes flush in my eye. I'm blinded in more ways than one now. I'm angry- spitting mad in fact- at the world and at my father.

Another flash that cuts into my calm like a knife.

... My head is spinning all of the sudden. All around me I see and hear the beast and I know that every fiber of my being wants to run away. Someone asks a question to my father, I don't hear and don't listen to the answer either. Something like panic sets in as the beast continues to scream at me. I know that it will not be satisfied until one or both of us are eaten alive. Another question is posed, this time about the physical damage done to my body. I answer simply with a clear, calm voice that does not betray the unrest in my aching head. I can still feel the unease of the situation pulsing through me veins like poison.

Without thinking, I brush my hand against my father's- a plea, a cry, a scream for help- hoping he could do something to ease the situation that had so rapidly become tense and dangerous. I tip my head just enough for him to see my eyes unobscured for just a brief moment. He tips his head to for the shortest moment, looking to see my expression. I'm sure the beast does not notice. My father must have seen something in my eyes for now he issues a cold, hardened look at the beast, who backs off just enough for me to relax.

My heart is still racing and my head still aches.

I shove my hand against his again, this time impatiently, "please..." the action says. He jerks his hand against mine in response. "No," the action says, "just do what you're told."

So I back off. What else can I do when he's the one I'm fighting?

...

It has been half an hour. I think I'm going to explode. My mask is still firmly in place and I know that to the beast I appear calm and collected. On the inside I'm ready to kill someone.

I just want to be left alone with Tamaki. Is that too much to ask?

"Last question." My father says. I feel the breath I didn't know I'd been holding slip from my lungs. A lanky white man looks up at me, an unsettling gleam in his eyes.

"What now, Kyouya? What's holding you together? Any more of your family's flowery speeches prepared to answer me?" he asks. I swallow hard, feeling my mouth harden into a line. If he asks for poetry, that's what I'll give.

Poetry is part of the facade, is it not?

"You want a poem to explain, hmm?" I growl, feeling a bit cheeky, "Then let my strength be the glue as my family and friends hold the shards of my life together. The mask and facade shall remain unbroken with their good help."

My father stiffens up at this, his previously relaxed shoulders coiling up like a spring.

"No further questions." My father snaps. The beast lunges, teeth gnashing, spikes pricking everything in sight, as we dash back into our home.


	16. Chapter 16

A/n: I'm not sure how this will sit with some one you. However, judging by the fact that Kyouya did virtually the same thing only with slightly less violent words to Tamaki's dad in the manga I think this is ok.]

No one looks at me for a long moment when we go back inside and close the door. The room's gloomy atmosphere is reflected on everyone's faces as they look at the floor solemnly. When my father finally speaks his voice is cold and controlled.

"What were you thinking, letting those words slip through your lips?"

"He wanted a poem, and that's what I gave him." I say coldly, my gaze obstinately fixed on the floor. Akito, I can tell, is ready to punch me in the face.

"Do you have any idea what that stupid poem implies about our family?" he snaps. My gaze turns to him angrily for a moment before I look to Tamaki for support.

"Kyouya... that really wasn't a good idea..." he says sheepishly.

"Kyouya!" Akito shouts again. I glance at my father, who's looking at me disappointedly.

"You know what it implies? The truth- this is all a sham." I snap.

"Oh really? You really don't think we care?" my father asks, something like anger and betrayal in his normally cold eyes.

"I know you don't." I say. There's venom in my voice. _He knew. He knew. He knew. He knew... _The words are an angry mantra in my mind. I want to scream at him even more than I already have, but I force myself to hold my tongue. At least until-

"Don't you think we wish we could have known sooner what was happening?"

"YOU LIAR!" I scream. I make a lunge at my father, ready to claw his eyes out, but Tamaki grabs my waist.

"Kyouya calm down!"

_I've never lost control like this._

Do I care? _No_. Should I? _Probably_.

"You knew the whole time! It couldn't have been more obvious that she was sleeping with me! You kept leaving me in her care and alone whenever she wanted! Just the slightest hint and you abandoned me with her! I know you knew! You-"

Tamaki drags me backwards, pulling me onto the couch. My gaze turns to Akito, who's staring at me, scandalized.

"And _you!_ You may not have known anything at the time but that doesn't excuse you right now! You are the single least helpful, most obnoxiously self-centered _asshole_ on the face of the planet!"

I glare at my father, fury radiating from every pore of my body. I want to kill him. All of this is his fault. All of this...

He's quiet- very, very quiet. He looks down for an infuriating moment, then up at me.

"You have no idea," he says cooly.

My eyes narrow into slits, "Explain yourself," I snap. Tamaki's grip on me tightens, hoping to keep me sitting down on the couch and away from my family.

"She had more than a decade of confidential and compromising information on me. If she released it we'd be ruined. She didn't directly ask anything of you, I thought she was just feeling the pangs of growing old and desperate to hang onto the notion of being a young mother. I thought she was babying you. I didn't think she wanted that from you." my father says slowly. His eyes are tormented for a moment before his mask falls back into place. He sounds sad, as if he is speaking of someone lost to cancer. His explanation, however sincere, is only fuel to my fire. He turns his back to me.

"So you chose wealth over my safety."

"I didn't think she would do anything."

"She did."

"I didn't want you to get hurt."

"I did."

"I thought it was for the best."

"You thought wrong."

Irritated now he says, "I don't have to justify myself to a child. You have what you have because I look after you."

"I'd rather be a commoner than a rape victim."

I adjust my glasses against my face. Tamaki and Akito are silent, watching our battle of wills play out.

Finally, my father turns and hisses, "What do you want from me?"

"I want an apology."

He looks at me hard. It's not going to be hard to apologize, but to say what I want will be nearly impossible.

"What I did was inexcusable. My negligence cost you your innocence as a child and caused you to suffer now as an adult. I'm very sorry." he says solemnly, "I ignored the signs that she was hurting you in favor of keeping our family's place in society where it is."

_I don't believe you._

"Fantastic," I growl as I look at the floor. I still hate him. I still want him to drop off the face of the earth and die for what he's done. However, this is a battle that I have won and I know that continuing to tamper with it will only make the situation worse. If I leave it be he should also.

"Your turn." he says.

"For what?" I growl, still staring angrily at the floor.

"To apologize for what you did. What you said out there was very bad press."

"I was only telling the truth."

"I told you to lie."

"Well, your very good at that now aren't you? Lying is your forte, yes?"

"Kyouya, you disobeyed me. Now apologize."

"I'm sorry I told the truth." I say. _Autopilot apology... just do as he says._ He's irritated that I don't back down and glares at me for a long moment. He wants to say something more, I know, and he wants to punish me.

But now is not the time for that.

"I have to call our press manager. To your rooms, all of you. Tamaki I ask that you take your leave now. If anything, you will be contacted somehow." he says dismissively, taking out his phone and gesturing to the door quickly. We disperse, Tamaki giving me a furtive kiss on the cheek as he leaves. We pause in the doorway, an awkward silence enveloping us.

"Be careful ok? I'm glad you've stopped bottling your emotions up but try not to spray us all with them like pepsi..." he says after a moment.

To which of course I can only respond, "I don't need a metaphor to understand your point Tamaki. I've got things under control."

We both know it's a lie. It's obvious that I'm falling apart at the seams. Tamaki hugs me, his arms curling around my neck as he stares at me, pity in his eyes.

"If you need to talk... don't take it out on reporters ok? Talk to me, or your sister... or maybe even your father..."

"I'm not talking to my father. I've said all that I have to say to him." I reply sullenly, "I don't even want to see him now."

"He said he was sorry you know. He honestly seems to feel bad."

"He's a liar."

Tamaki scowls and lets me go, crossing his arms, "You're lucky you even have a family."

"You'll notice that aside from title I've gained nothing from them."

"They love you."

"Akito looked ready to punch me and my father sold me out to save his career."

"You have your sister-"

"Who I have trouble being in the same room with now."

"And Yuuichi-"

"Who's never around."

"You're still a family, and even though you're mad at them now you still have to love and depend on them at the end of the day. I mean, my grandmother is rather cold and isn't very nice to me but I would never hurt her in any way. My father too, even though he teases me... and at least you get to see them all the time. I only see my father at school, I rarely see my grandmother and my mother is in france somewhere. Even through all that we're still a family and I still love them. You have to look past what they've done and look to the future together... Because when your world crashes down who else can you turn to?"

I tilt my head, glasses glaring fantastically, eyes cold as ice, and consider that for a long moment. It's true, my oldest brother and sister do care for me a great deal. I do care for them as well, my sister especially. As for Yuuichi, I do enjoy talking to him when he is around, though I still try my hardest to surpass him. Akito has never treated me with anything besides derision. My father and mother should burn in hell.

I know I'll have Tamaki, at least.

"I can turn to you. Besides, Tamaki, this isn't a normal situation. This is something out of a movie or book. This is ridiculous."

"Kyouya I can't be with you all the time. Can't you try to make peace with your family?"

"Not right now."

The wound is too fresh.

Tamaki sighs, and takes my hand, "You need closure."

"I need everyone to back off."

"You need to stop hiding."

"Leave me alone Tamaki,"

I pinch the bridge of my nose in irritation with my free hand as Tamaki stares at me, "Tamaki, I'm just not ready for that yet."

We stand in silence. I know that we should go our separate ways for the day but I can tell that he's not through speaking to me. He takes my other hand in his and looks into my eyes as best he can through my glasses.

"When can I tell the others about us?"

An arrow to my heart- or maybe a bullet to my brain. I don't have the energy to deal with that mess now too.

"They can't know."

"Never?"

I nod, serious. To come out of the closet now could kill my reputation forever, especially after what had only recently happened with my mother.

"But I love you! And they're dying to know what's happened…" he trails off, the fleeting hint of romanticism still fresh in his twinkling eyes.

"There are too many risks. Our reputations, our standings in our families…"

"What about the host club?"

I think about it, my brow creasing under the weight of the decision. I owe it to Tamaki to let him do this, but I just don't have the energy to deal with any unexpected results. Still, for him to have not told Haruhi, the only person who knows him as well as I do must be torture. They are worried; they are curious...

"They're our friends… they know us better than anyone…" Tamaki says, his eyes begging. I sigh, and nod.

"Tell Haruhi, she can tell the others." I say softly. His eyes light up like sparklers, his grin stretching across his face. He hugs me the way he did just after we'd met, nuzzling my cheek affectionately.

"Perfect!" he says happily. I don't feel any of his enthusiasm. I'm just drained.

_Someone get me off this crazy train._

I realize he's noticed my exhausted expression for he looks on me with serious eyes.

"It's going to be ok," he says.

"I know."

_Liar,_ I think to myself.

I usher Tamaki out with a promise to call him if something happens. Turning to leave, I see my brother staring down at me from the second floor landing. He glares at me, disgust etched into his features.

"I should have guessed." he growls as he turns on his heal and returns up the stairs.

...

That night a family meeting is held. My brothers lounge on a couch with my sister, while my father sits calmly in an armchair. I perch on a love-seat. The atmosphere is gloomy, and tense. I can't meet eyes with Fuyumi.

"What happened today will never happen again." my father says seriously after a moment. I lock eyes with him, head held high. _Bite me, _"From now on we must have every step carefully calculated."

He looks at me sharply and says, "And these plans will be followed to the letter."

Again the phrase 'Bite me' comes to mind as he continues. "I've arranged everything with our lawyer. All you need to do"- looking at me- "is say exactly what you said to the police."

He turns to my siblings, "You all are charged with playing the roles of the outraged and horrified family members. It shouldn't be hard, given how devastating this truly is."

Fuyumi twists her hands in her lap, her perfect poise broken for once, and asks, "Couldn't you make this sound less like a... lie? For all this to happen, and so fast, it's just horrible. We're all genuinely upset... I mean, Kyouya, and our mother... it's just so-"

Akito cuts in, "We know. This all just objective. We can't all follow our heart's every whim like you two can."

No need to ask which two he was referring to. Yuuichi turns to Akito, "Calm yourself. No need to jump down anyone's throat."

My father clears his throat. He continues, his cold voice cutting the tension in a room like a knife. "The case is made. However, we need to prepare for anything they might throw at us."

Yuuichi shifts in his seat and asks calmly, "Do we know what their planned defense is?"

"She's pleading innocent with the defense that she is not of sound mind."

"That might actually work," Akito interjects unhelpfully.

"But it's clearly a lie. She planned well enough to have me kidnapped and flown across the Pacific Ocean. No one who's lost their mind could do that." I respond immediately, thoroughly unsettled by the idea of her walking free. _Even sending her to a mental facility is too light a punishment for her..._

"That's what we're claiming. The defense seems at a loss. This is obviously a case no one would want to take. He's a good attorney, however, so we should be prepared for him to have another ace up his sleeve." My father explains coldly.

"This seems simple enough to deal with." Akito says after a moment, "Kyouya will never have to see her again and she'll be out of everyone's hair."

I frown, annoyed that he'd just spoken of me as if I were not in the room, "Father, what can we do to make sure this insanity plea won't be effective?"

"You could start by telling me where you and Tamaki were that night you came back in the middle of the night." my father says suddenly, "And also why the Suoh boy has been doting on you so much."

I look away, glaring, eyes shielded by my glasses. "We met at the school soccer field. I was angry, and he's my best friend. I needed someone to talk to, which is why he's still here."

Akito gives me a look akin to 'yeah right' and crosses his legs in an irritable huff.

"Why not tell the scholarship girl, Haruhi?" my father asks.

"Tamaki and I are closer."

Again Akito gives me a look, an obvious 'get lost, fag,' scrawled across his features.

"You're closer than I thought," he says quietly, with no malice evident in his voice. I shrug, and he does as well. Eyes locking, we exchange a silent battle of wills.

"Boys-" my father cuts in, frowning distastefully at us, "irrelevant. So there's no way they could use that against us, I suppose. Other than that the only problem is that our only witness is also a coconspirator and is currently dead."

In my head I can still see the man lying on the ground in a pool of his own blood. Inwardly, I cringe, "It doesn't matter. Our case is strong and the judge isn't likely to be lenient when it comes to a woman accused of child abuse, rape, and murder."

The others nod, agreeing with my point. My sister raises her voice for a moment to question, "What do we do after the trial?"

All eyes fall on me as they consider this. Akito holds his tongue, though I'm sure he wouldn't mind having me sent to a mental institution. Yuuichi suggests I stay at Ouran and attend a therapist on a weekly basis, if only for appearance's sake. He suggests one that he knows, a friend from a rich family he'd met at university. My father agrees to take this into consideration. Fuyumi says I should transfer to a new school where fewer people know me, in the hopes that it will help me rehabilitate. I object to this wholeheartedly, saying I can handle any pressure from my peers. I suggest staying at Ouran High and insist that I can handle everything without therapy. The others look at me skeptically. Akito looks at me as if he's about to laugh at the idea. Yuuichi looks skeptical but shows no outward signs of being against it. Fuyumi just looks at me with guilty doubt. Her lack of confidence in me is vaguely depressing.

"We'll decide this later..." Yuuichi says after a long moment. I nod, and my siblings voice their agreement. We all look to our father, eyes asking permission to leave.

"Kyouya, you'll be meeting with the lawyer tomorrow. To the rest of you... stay in the city, and behave yourselves."

We disperse. I feel Akito's eyes on me with each step I take.

_Bite me._

[A/n: so this chapter's like... almost 3000 words long. Wow. Erm, I'm going to finish this fic... (it's like my child, seriously) but I really am suffering from a lack of inspiration here. Please, please, if you're still reading this, tell me what you think. I'm sorry if it's really bad... i'm having trouble getting back into Kyouya's character.]


End file.
